DESPERATE GOOGLE EXECS RESORT TO ASKING EMPLOYEES IF THEY’D MIND F@#KING OFF FOR CASH
In a stunning display of corporate empathy that ranks somewhere between “shark dentistry” and “cactus toilet paper,” Google announced yet another round of “voluntary” buyouts for US workers this week, continuing what experts call their “Please Get The Hell Out So We Don’t Have To Fire You” initiative.
SILICON VALLEY’S MOST INNOVATIVE FIRING TECHNIQUE
Google, the company that revolutionized search and apparently also revolutionized avoiding saying the word “layoffs,” has begun passing around what insiders describe as “gold-plated begging notes” to an undisclosed number of employees across several divisions.
“It’s actually quite brilliant,” explained corporate strategy analyst Dr. Hugh R. Fired, author of “101 Ways to Make Employees Think Leaving Was Their Idea.” “Instead of saying ‘you’re fired,’ they’re basically asking ‘how much money would it take for you to admit you were never that important to begin with?'”
IMPORTANT WORK AHEAD THAT APPARENTLY DOESN’T INCLUDE YOU
Google representatives insist these buyouts are intended to support the company’s “important work ahead,” which presumably includes the critical task of having fewer employees on the payroll. The exact number of workers being offered the “pretty please quit” packages remains unknown, though industry experts estimate it’s “somewhere between ‘more than a few’ and ‘holy sh!t that’s a lot.'”
“The beauty of voluntary buyouts is how they combine the dignity of choice with the subtle undertone of ‘we’ve already packed your sh!t in a box,'” said workplace psychology expert Professor Claire Lee-Terminated. “It’s like being asked if you’d prefer to jump off the boat or be thrown overboard, but hey, here’s some cash for the trouble!”
EMPLOYEES SPOTTED GOOGLING “IS THIS A TRAP?”
Sources inside the company report that many Google employees are responding to the buyout offers by immediately searching “is this actually a layoff,” “how long until I’m fired anyway,” and “jobs that won’t replace me with something that runs on electricity.”
One anonymous Google engineer told us, “They said it’s to ‘streamline operations,’ which I’m pretty sure is executive speak for ‘we realized we can make the same sh!t with 30% fewer humans.’ I mean, I literally helped build the technology that’s making my job obsolete. That’s some cosmic f@#king irony right there.”
COST-CUTTING MEASURES DEEMED NECESSARY AS COMPANY ONLY MADE $77 BILLION LAST YEAR
Financial experts point out that these buyouts are critical cost-saving measures for Google, a company that suffered the devastating hardship of only making $77 billion in profits last year.
“Look, when you’re only bringing in about $211 million dollars PER DAY, you really have to tighten the belt,” explained economic analyst Chase D. Bag. “Those free snacks and kombucha taps aren’t going to pay for themselves, especially when you need that cash to develop AI that can eventually replace your entire workforce.”
GOOGLE SUGGESTS DEPARTING EMPLOYEES EXPLORE EXCITING OPPORTUNITIES IN “NOT BEING HERE ANYMORE”
HR representatives are reportedly highlighting the “tremendous growth potential” of no longer working at Google, with one internal memo suggesting that former employees could “really flourish in environments where their talents are needed, wanted, or at minimum tolerated.”
According to 97.3% of completely made-up statistics, employees who accept buyout packages experience a 100% reduction in having to pretend they’re changing the world by optimizing ad click-through rates.
As one Google executive who wished to remain employed put it, “The future of Google is incredibly bright. We just need to dim some of you to see it better.”
