ENTIRE TECH INDUSTRY SHOCKED AS MAN WHO SELLS AI PREDICTS AI WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING
SILICON VALLEY PROPHET WARNS “YOUR JOB IS DEAD” WHILE ACCEPTING VENTURE CAPITAL
In a stunning revelation that absolutely no one saw coming, OpenAI CEO and professional rich person Sam Altman has boldly predicted that the technology his company sells will revolutionize society. The visionary tech leader, whose financial interests are completely unrelated to his apocalyptic forecasts, announced that “whole classes of jobs” would disappear faster than your dad’s hairline in the 1990s.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS TAKES BOLD STANCE
“We have recently built systems that are smarter than people in many ways,” declared Altman, in what experts are calling the tech equivalent of a cigarette company CEO announcing that smoking is cool and everyone should try it.
Dr. Nosh!t Sherlock, Professor of Blatant Self-Interest at the University of Well-Actually, explained the groundbreaking nature of these claims. “It’s f@#king revolutionary when the guy selling AI tells us AI will change everything. Next, you’ll tell me that car salesmen think everyone needs a new car, or that dentists believe in regular checkups.”
HUMANITY SHOCKED TO LEARN TECH BILLIONAIRES THINK COMPUTERS ARE NEAT
The revelation that artificial intelligence might replace jobs has sent shockwaves through absolutely no one who’s been paying attention for the last decade. Altman’s prediction marks the first time in history a tech CEO has hyped their product’s capabilities, except for every single day since the invention of the personal computer.
“What makes Altman’s prediction special is that he stands to make approximately all the money in the world if people believe him,” noted economic analyst Emma Coming-Miles. “It’s like when your friend who sells essential oils tells you that lavender can cure depression, taxes, and possibly death.”
EXPERTS PREDICT 97% OF DOOM PREDICTIONS COME FROM PEOPLE SELLING SOLUTIONS
Financial records indicate that approximately 100% of people predicting AI will dominate humanity have stock options that would benefit from widespread AI adoption. This statistical correlation, which we absolutely did not make up on the spot, has led sociologists to term this phenomenon “prophets for profits.”
Dr. Cash Incentive, who holds the distinguished chair of Following the Money at Cynicism University, pointed out, “Throughout history, people selling solutions have mysteriously been the ones to identify problems. Medieval plague doctors didn’t go around saying ‘Actually, this black death thing will probably resolve itself without my expensive bird mask.'”
ENTIRE WORKFORCE REPLACED BY DIGITAL THINKING RECTANGLES, SAYS MAN WHO BUILDS DIGITAL THINKING RECTANGLES
When pressed for specifics on which jobs would disappear, Altman reportedly gestured vaguely at “you know, the ones computers could do,” before adding that coincidentally, OpenAI technology could step in to fill these gaps at very reasonable subscription rates.
In related news, the International Association of Guillotine Manufacturers has predicted a 3000% increase in the need for “wealth redistribution devices” by 2025, though experts caution this forecast may contain similar conflicts of interest.
