AUSTRALIA ACTUALLY JUST A GIANT COMPUTER SIMULATION RUNNING ON FOREIGN AI, MINISTER ADMITS
In a stunning confession that has rocked the tech world and ruined millions of afternoon naps, Australia’s Industry and Science Minister Tim Ayres declared the nation “has no f@#king choice” but to submit completely to the whims of artificial intelligence or risk becoming “that sad country nobody remembers exists until the Olympics.”
MINISTER DISCOVERED SPEAKING TO SMART FRIDGE AT 3AM
Speaking to a terrified room of journalists while occasionally glancing nervously at his smartphone for approval, Ayres explained that Australia must “lean in hard” to AI technology, a phrase he apparently learned from a LinkedIn post written in 2017.
“Look, it’s quite simple,” Ayres stated while rhythmically blinking in what appeared to be Morse code spelling out H-E-L-P. “Either we become world leaders in AI or we end up on the end of somebody else’s supply chain, which I’m told is a fate worse than being forced to explain cryptocurrency to your parents.”
NATION CONSIDERING REPLACING PARLIAMENT WITH CHATGPT SUBSCRIPTION
The Labor government’s bold new strategy includes legislation requiring every Australian to have at least three uncomfortable conversations about AI with their boss before Christmas and mandating that 40% of all bedtime stories now feature robots that learn to love.
According to Dr. Mack Hinery, head of Terrifying Tech Predictions at the University of Making Sh!t Up, Australia has a competitive advantage in the AI race.
“Australians already speak a language no one else understands and have survived living alongside animals specifically designed to kill humans,” Hinery explained. “This makes them uniquely prepared for an AI apocalypse or, at minimum, having their job applications screened by algorithms.”
THE SHOCKING ECONOMIC BENEFITS NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT
Recent studies show that embracing AI could boost Australia’s economy by approximately $472 billion, give or take $471.9 billion depending on who’s funding the research. When asked for specifics on these figures, government officials replied, “The models said so,” before hurriedly changing the subject.
Professor Siri Alexa-Watson from the Institute of Technological Inevitability pointed out that 94% of Australians cannot define AI beyond “computers that do stuff,” while 87% believe it primarily involves robots stealing their parking spots.
EXIT STRATEGY INCLUDES TEACHING KANGAROOS TO CODE
The government’s comprehensive plan to become an AI powerhouse includes:
1. Establishing a “Ministry of Actually Understanding The Internet” staffed entirely by people under 25
2. Converting the Sydney Opera House into a massive server farm that occasionally performs La Traviata
3. Developing AI that can finally explain Australian Rules Football to the rest of the world
Public response has been mixed, with many Australians expressing concern that intelligent machines might not appreciate the cultural importance of putting beetroot on hamburgers or calling everyone “mate” regardless of their relationship status.
As Ayres concluded his remarks by staring deeply into his Apple Watch and whispering “was that good enough?”, reporters couldn’t help but notice the minister’s suit appeared to have small wires running through it and a small cooling fan installed in his collar.
When pressed on whether Australians should be concerned about the rapid advancement of AI, Ayres simply smiled and said, “Don’t worry, it’s just a phase we’re going through, like democracy.”
