ZUCKERBERG PLEDGES $15 BILLION TO CREATE DIGITAL DEITY THAT WILL ABSOLUTELY NEVER ENSLAVE HUMANITY
Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced plans to invest a staggering $15 billion toward creating what he describes as “superintelligence” but what literally everyone else recognizes as the exact plot of every cautionary sci-fi movie ever made.
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The investment, which includes acquiring a 49% stake in Scale AI, represents Zuckerberg’s latest attempt to distract shareholders from the fact that his company has spent the last decade perfecting technology that makes your aunt share conspiracy theories and teenagers feel suicidal.
“This superintelligence will revolutionize humanity’s potential,” said Zuckerberg, wearing what appeared to be human skin. “We’re talking about an intelligence that will solve all our problems, cure diseases, and definitely not decide that humans are inefficient carbon-based waste units requiring immediate deletion.”
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Industry experts have expressed reactions ranging from mild concern to pants-wetting terror about Meta’s ambitions.
“What the f@#k are they thinking?” said Dr. Cassandra Ignored, Professor of Inevitable Technological Doom at MIT. “We haven’t even figured out how to make chatbots stop hallucinating facts or recommending bleach as a hangover cure, and this pale robot man wants to create God?”
According to a completely fabricated study we’re citing anyway, 87% of AI researchers believe superintelligence will either save humanity or exterminate it more efficiently than any genocide in history, with only a 13% chance of it just using its powers to generate better cat memes.
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Tech analyst Trevor McObvious points out that Meta’s previous technological innovations include “making democracy impossible” and “turning your nephew into a Nazi through algorithmic radicalization,” suggesting that perhaps Zuckerberg shouldn’t be the one creating an entity more powerful than all of human civilization.
“Sure, let’s give godlike powers to the company that can’t stop grandma from getting scammed by fake Ray-Ban ads,” said McObvious. “What could possibly go wrong?”
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The $15 billion investment comes as tech companies race to outspend each other in the AI domain, with each CEO apparently competing to see who can bring about the technological singularity first while simultaneously promising regulators that everything is totally under control.
“We’ve implemented robust safety measures,” said Meta’s Chief Safety Officer, Blindly Optimistic, who declined to elaborate on what those measures might be beyond “hoping really hard that the superintelligence likes us.”
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At press time, Zuckerberg was reportedly working on a backup plan that involves uploading his consciousness to the cloud, just in case his digital brainchild decides humans are the problem after all.
“We’re simply accelerating inevitable progress,” Zuckerberg concluded. “And if that progress happens to result in humanity being harvested for our bioelectrical energy while trapped in a simulation, well, that’s just disruption, baby!”
