STUDENTS NOW OUTSOURCING THEIR ENTIRE EXISTENCE TO AI, PROFESSORS JUST F@CKING DONE
In what experts are calling “the most predictable educational apocalypse since standardized testing,” university students across the UK have embraced artificial intelligence with the same enthusiasm normally reserved for happy hour and avoiding eye contact with people handing out flyers.
A DEGREE IN BULLS#!T GENERATION
Recent surveys reveal that an “explosive increase” in AI usage has rocked higher education, with approximately 92% of students now using chatbots to write everything from essays to breakup texts. The remaining 8% reportedly “just haven’t figured out how to download the app yet.”
“I haven’t written my own words since 2022,” admits Trevor Phillips, a third-year philosophy major who can no longer distinguish between his own thoughts and algorithmically generated content. “Last week I tried to order coffee and accidentally submitted a 5,000-word dissertation on Kantian ethics.”
PROFESSORS LOSING WILL TO LIVE
University staff report increasing difficulty distinguishing between genuine student work and digital regurgitation. Dr. Emma Practically-Retired, who has taught English literature for 27 years, now spends her evenings weeping into a glass of Tesco wine.
“I used to catch plagiarism by spotting suspiciously coherent paragraphs,” she explains. “Now I’m forced to identify human writing by looking for spelling errors, logical inconsistencies, and any trace of f@cking personality.”
UNIVERSITY RESPONSES RANGE FROM “MEH” TO “WHATEVER”
Universities have implemented various strategies to address AI usage, ranging from “complete surrender” to “performative concern.” The University of Pretending-to-Care has introduced a new policy requiring students to “pinky promise” they won’t use AI, while simultaneously offering workshops on “How to Use AI Without Getting Caught.”
“We’re preparing students for the real world,” insists Vice-Chancellor Money McTuitionfees. “And in the real world, nobody gives a sh!t if you wrote it or not, as long as you’re charging by the hour.”
STUDENTS DEVELOP NEW AI-RELATED MENTAL DISORDERS
Mental health professionals report a rise in conditions including “ChatGPT Dependency Syndrome” and “Original Thought Anxiety.”
“I asked a student to share her personal opinion on a text, and she had a full panic attack,” reports Dr. Obvious Diagnosis, a campus therapist. “She kept muttering ‘processing error’ and begging for more specific parameters.”
SHOCKING STATISTICS REVEAL ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
A completely fabricated study by the Institute of Made-Up Research shows that 78.3% of assignments are now written by digital knowledge rectangles, 43% of students have forgotten how to use semicolons, and 112% of professors are considering career changes to less stressful professions like bomb disposal or alligator dentistry.
Professor Idon Tgiveadamn of the Department of Futile Resistance claims, “By 2026, students will just submit their tuition fees and a prompt, and we’ll mail them a degree. Cut out the middleman, you know?”
In conclusion, as higher education hurtles toward its inevitable transformation into a glorified subscription service for credential farming, at least one positive outcome has emerged: students are finally prepared for corporate jobs where they’ll be replaced by the very technology they’re using to avoid learning anything.
