GOOGLE AND OPENAI CONSIDERING UNHOLY ALLIANCE; MICROSOFT LEFT SOBBING IN CORNER WITH CLIPPY
In a move that experts are calling “the tech equivalent of Godzilla and King Kong teaming up to stomp on Tokyo,” rival AI powerhouses OpenAI and Google are reportedly considering a partnership that would make Satan and Hitler’s brunch dates look like child’s play.
DESPERATE TECH BROS SEEK VALIDATION THROUGH CORPORATE CUDDLING
Sources close to the negotiations reveal that OpenAI, having escaped its contractual ball-and-chain relationship with Microsoft Azure, is now free to explore other cloud service options like a newly divorced dad on Tinder. Google, meanwhile, has been caught making seductive eyes across the Silicon Valley playground, waving its massive data centers provocatively.
“What we’re seeing is essentially two companies that hate each other slightly less than they hate Microsoft,” explains Dr. Obvious Cash, Chief Monopoly Enthusiast at the Institute for Predictable Corporate Behavior. “It’s like watching the two biggest bullies in school decide to join forces because the third bully got a new bike.”
MICROSOFT EXECUTIVES REPORTEDLY STRESS-EATING ENTIRE SURFACE TABLETS
According to an imaginary insider at Microsoft who definitely doesn’t exist, CEO Satya Nadella has been spotted wandering the Redmond campus muttering “but we had something special” while clutching a printed copy of their original contract with OpenAI.
“Microsoft spent $13 billion on OpenAI, which is roughly equivalent to 6.5 trillion packages of ramen noodles or one moderately priced Manhattan studio apartment,” notes financial analyst Emma Roydumoney. “And now OpenAI is basically saying ‘thanks for the cash, we’re gonna go hang with the cool kids now.'”
THE UNHOLY ALLIANCE: WHAT IT MEANS FOR THE REST OF US PATHETIC HUMANS
If this partnership materializes, experts predict a 742% increase in dystopian think pieces and a dangerous shortage of “AI will kill us all” headlines as journalists scramble to find new ways to terrify the public.
Professor Hugh Manity, holder of the Distinguished Chair in Digital Doomsaying at Fictional University, warns: “When two companies with this much computing power join forces, the results are predictable. First comes the technical collaboration, then comes the shared dominance of cloud services, and finally, we all end up as batteries powering their server farms. It’s just basic business strategy.”
GOOGLE’S CLOUD SERVICES GET DESPERATE; SEEN SLIDING INTO OPENAI’S DMS AT 3AM
Google Cloud, which has historically been the awkward third wheel behind AWS and Azure, appears to be making its move like that friend who’s been in love with you for years and finally confesses after your breakup.
“Google Cloud has been texting OpenAI things like ‘u up?’ and ‘Azure doesn’t appreciate you like I would,'” says cloud infrastructure expert Serva Rackston. “It’s pathetically transparent, but when you’ve got petabytes of processing power to offer, subtlety isn’t really necessary.”
According to completely fabricated statistics, this potential partnership could control up to 103% of all AI development by 2025, which mathematics confirms is “way too f@#king much.”
In a statement that we totally didn’t make up, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman said, “Look, Microsoft was great and all, but have you SEEN Google’s data centers? They’re huge. And everyone knows what they say about huge data centers…” before being dragged away by his PR team.
As of press time, Microsoft was reportedly considering a rebound relationship with Ask Jeeves just to show they’re totally fine and not crying into their Azure cloud pillows at all.