TECH OLIGARCH THROWS CRUMBS TO ENGLAND AS COUNTRY DESPERATELY TRIES TO STAY RELEVANT IN AI RACE
LONDON — Graphics card overlord and accidental AI dictator NVIDIA announced several “partnerships” with the United Kingdom this week, generously allowing the fading empire to sniff the hem of its technological garments while pretending the country still matters in the global tech landscape.
BRITAIN CELEBRATES BEING ACKNOWLEDGED BY ACTUAL IMPORTANT COMPANY
The announcements came during London Tech Week, an annual gathering where British tech executives pretend their startups might someday be worth more than a single floor of office space in San Francisco. NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang graced the island nation with his presence, reportedly causing multiple attendees to faint from excitement at being in the same room as someone with actual global influence.
“We’re absolutely chuffed to bits that NVIDIA has remembered we exist,” said Lord Techinshire, Britain’s Minister for Digital Begging. “This partnership proves that post-Brexit Britain is still a force to be reckoned with, assuming your definition of ‘force’ includes ‘desperate country willing to do literally anything for validation.'”
SOVEREIGN AI: BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS INDEPENDENCE LIKE TOTAL RELIANCE ON AMERICAN TECHNOLOGY
The centerpiece of NVIDIA’s announcement is a new “AI training centre” that will supposedly help the UK develop “sovereign AI capabilities.” Experts define sovereign AI as “foreign technology that politicians can slap a Union Jack on while praying voters don’t notice the difference.”
Dr. Reality Check, Professor of Obvious Conclusions at the University of Actual Facts, explains: “What the f@#k is ‘sovereign AI’ when you’re completely dependent on another country’s chips, software, and expertise? That’s like claiming you have ‘sovereign automobile technology’ because you bought a Tesla and put a custom license plate on it.”
STATISTICS THAT WE DEFINITELY DIDN’T MAKE UP
According to industry analyses that absolutely exist and weren’t created purely for this article, the partnership will:
– Increase Britain’s AI capabilities by an impressive-sounding 27.3%, which when converted to actual global relevance equals approximately 0.004%
– Create upwards of 15,000 “AI-adjacent jobs,” primarily consisting of people explaining to their parents what AI is
– Boost the UK economy by £4.7 billion, or as Americans call it, “lunch money”
EXPERTS EXPRESS OPTIMISM, DELUSION
Professor Hopium Overdose from the Cambridge Institute of Technological Self-Deception praised the partnership: “This is a game-changer for Britain! By 2025, we’ll be almost as advanced in AI as Slovakia is today! Rule Britannia!”
NVIDIA, meanwhile, issued a statement through Chief Market Expansion Officer Emma Pire: “We’re thrilled to partner with… um… *checks notes*… the United Kingdom. Their expertise in… *flips page*… being an island? will be invaluable to our global strategy of selling expensive hardware to literally anyone with money.”
THE FINE PRINT
Sources close to the deal report that the partnership agreement includes several clauses beneficial to both parties:
– The UK agrees to pretend it’s developing “sovereign AI” while NVIDIA agrees to pretend this isn’t just a standard sales contract
– Britain gets to use the phrase “AI superpower” in press releases; NVIDIA gets to laugh about it in private company meetings
– The training center will be staffed by actual British people, provided they can prove they once successfully programmed a VCR
THE REAL WINNER: NVIDIA’S STOCK PRICE
Financial analyst Richard “Dick” Profits notes that NVIDIA’s stock jumped another 2.3% following the announcement, adding approximately $43 billion to its market cap. “That’s roughly twice the GDP of the entire north of England,” he explained while lighting a cigar with a burning £50 note.
As part of the celebration, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak reportedly attempted to high-five Jensen Huang but was smoothly redirected into an awkward handshake that left witnesses cringing so hard they pulled several muscles.
At press time, British officials were seen frantically Googling “what is an AI anyway” and “can sovereign AI fix our weather.”
