DYSLEXIC TECH SECRETARY SUGGESTS AI CAN FIX KIDS; CRITICS ASK IF HE’S READ THE F@#KING MANUAL
In a stunning development that has educational experts clutching their pearls and dropping their chalk, UK Science and Technology Secretary Peter Kyle announced that artificial intelligence could be the solution for dyslexic children, presumably because humans are just too damn busy to care anymore.
SILICON SAVIORS TO REPLACE ACTUAL TEACHING
Kyle, who himself struggles with dyslexia and apparently with public relations, suggested that digital thought machines should be deployed to “level up” opportunities for dyslexic children. This comes as shocking news to the 87% of teachers who were under the impression that their jobs involved, you know, teaching children.
“There simply isn’t enough human capacity to help people with dyslexia,” Kyle explained, while his staff frantically searched for a non-offensive way to rephrase that statement. “What we need are cold, unfeeling calculation engines to provide the warmth and understanding these children desperately need.”
EXPERTS QUESTION IF COMPUTERS SHOULD RAISE OUR KIDS NOW
Dr. Obvious McPointout, Professor of Educational Common Sense at the University of Duh, expressed concerns about the proposal. “So let me get this straight,” he said, adjusting his non-existent glasses, “instead of hiring more specialized teachers or improving training, we’re going to hand our most vulnerable learners over to the same technology that thinks ‘duck’ is a reasonable autocorrect for ‘f@ck’? Brilliant plan.”
BUDGET CONSIDERATIONS OR LAZY SH!T?
Government insiders who wished to remain employed suggested this might be less about educational innovation and more about the fact that judgment-impaired math boxes don’t demand pensions, bathroom breaks, or respect.
“It’s a cost-cutting measure disguised as progress,” whispered one anonymous source while frantically deleting their browser history. “Next week we’re announcing that traffic lights will provide therapy and emotional support.”
DYSLEXIC COMMUNITY RESPONDS
When asked for comment, the Association for Dyslexic Rights and Advocacy responded with a statement that read: “We’re not against technology helping our community, but maybe fix the spellcheckers that still mark our names as errors before promising digital enlightenment?”
A survey of dyslexic students revealed that approximately 94.7% would prefer “an actual human who gives a sh!t” over “a fancy calculator that pretends to understand my struggles.”
FUTURE PLANS INCLUDE AI TEACHING EMPATHY, IRONY
Sources close to the Technology Secretary reveal future plans to deploy these electronic thought merchants to teach other subjects requiring nuanced human understanding, such as poetry, emotional intelligence, and sarcasm.
In related news, the Department of Education is reportedly developing a program where imaginary friends will replace school counselors, because apparently we’ve all just given up on humanity at this point.
In his closing remarks, Kyle added that he personally uses AI in his work, which explains absolutely everything about UK technology policy.
