TECH BRO BILLIONAIRE WAVES WHITE FLAG AFTER REALIZING ORANGE MAN CONTROLS HIS MONEY FAUCET
In what experts are calling “the most predictable surrender since France met Germany,” Elon Musk has officially tucked his tail between his legs and begged for forgiveness from his former BFF Donald Trump, just days after their relationship status changed to “it’s complicated” on America’s dysfunctional Facebook page.
BATTLE OF THE BLOATED EGOS ENDS IN SPECTACULAR FASHION
The feud between America’s Tweeter-in-Chief and the Tesla Tycoon erupted last week when Musk, apparently forgetting who butters his government-subsidy bread, called for Trump’s impeachment and made jokes about the president’s connection to Jeffrey Epstein. Trump, never one to take criticism lying down (unless it’s nap time), threatened to cancel federal contracts and tax subsidies that keep Musk’s companies from becoming very expensive hobbies.
“This was basically watching two toddlers fight over a toy until one realized the other toddler’s daddy owns the toy store,” explained Dr. Obvious Conclusion, professor of Billionaire Psychology at the University of Common Sense.
THE WORLD’S FASTEST BACKPEDAL
Just four days after throwing down the social media gauntlet, Musk issued what analysts are calling “the most reluctant apology since that time your drunk uncle was forced to say sorry at Thanksgiving dinner.”
“I regret some of my posts about Trump,” Musk mumbled digitally, in a statement that cost him approximately $27 million per character based on threatened subsidy calculations.
FINANCIAL REALITY SLAPS IDEALISM IN THE FACE
According to sources close to the situation, Musk experienced a sudden moment of clarity when his financial team presented him with a PowerPoint titled “Holy Sh!t, We’re F@#ked Without Government Money.”
“The unstoppable force of Musk’s ego crashed directly into the immovable object of his bank account,” explained financial analyst Emma Roight. “Turns out principles are great until they threaten your ability to build robots and shoot sh!t into space.”
Studies show approximately 97.8% of billionaire feuds with sitting presidents end with the billionaire backing down, according to statistics we completely made up but sound right.
PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION EXPECTED SOON
White House insiders report that Trump has demanded Musk appear at no fewer than three rallies wearing a “Make Tesla Great Again” hat and praising Trump’s hair as “an engineering marvel that defies both gravity and common sense.”
“This is just how the billionaire mating ritual works,” explained sociologist Professor Wealth E. McPrivilege. “They puff up their chests, make threats, then pretend nothing happened once they realize they both need each other to maintain their obscene wealth.”
AMERICAN PUBLIC COLLECTIVELY ROLLS EYES
A recent poll shows that 89% of Americans responded to news of the feud ending with “Who gives a flying f@#k?” while the remaining 11% were too busy working multiple jobs to afford healthcare to respond at all.
In related news, sources confirm that Musk has already ordered his engineers to design a special cushion for his knees for all the groveling he’ll be doing in the coming months, proving once again that when it comes to choosing between principles and profits, America’s billionaires will always follow the money.
