HUMANITY SURRENDERS AS CHINA UNVEILS 10 NEW “DATA ZONES” WHERE YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION GOES TO PARTY WITHOUT YOU
China, not content with merely knowing what you had for breakfast, launched 10 new “data zones” this week, creating what experts are calling “all-you-can-eat buffets of personal information” worth a modest $278 billion. Because apparently putting a price tag on privacy is totally normal now.
THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF VEGAS, BUT WHAT HAPPENS THERE DEFINITELY DOESN’T STAY THERE
These new zones aren’t just storing data; they’re throwing ragers with it. Sources confirm the data zones feature premium amenities like “zero ethical oversight,” “boundless surveillance potential,” and “complimentary moral flexibility.” Each zone comes equipped with state-of-the-art algorithms that can determine if you’re likely to jaywalk based solely on your Netflix viewing history.
“These zones represent a revolutionary step forward in our ability to know absolutely f@#king everything about everyone,” explained Xu Ming, China’s Deputy Minister of We’re Definitely Not Watching You Right Now. “We’re excited to double our data transactions, which is definitely not terrifying at all.”
EXPERTS PREDICT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG
Dr. Ivana Sellout, Professor of Digital Resignation at the Institute of Who Cares Anymore, praised the initiative: “China is simply streamlining what every tech company already does, just without the pretense of asking permission. It’s refreshingly honest totalitarianism!”
The zones will reportedly process 94.7% of all human thought by 2026, according to completely made-up statistics that we just invented but sound vaguely plausible in today’s hellscape.
PRIVACY ADVOCATES RESPOND BY SCREAMING INTO THE VOID
Privacy advocates worldwide responded to the news by throwing their phones into lakes and moving to remote cabins, only to discover their refrigerators had already uploaded their milk-drinking habits to Beijing.
“This is fine. Everything is fine,” whispered Terry Concerned, spokesperson for the Digital Rights Coalition, while fashioning a tinfoil hat. “Did you know that 99.8% of people who expressed concern about these data zones immediately had their credit scores mysteriously drop? That’s a totally real statistic and not at all something I made up because I’m losing my goddamn mind.”
GLOBAL AI GROWTH PREDICTED TO CONSUME SOULS, POSSIBLY PLANETS
China aims to use these zones to drive global AI growth, which experts predict will create millions of jobs that will then immediately be taken by the very same AI. Talk about efficient!
“The beauty of our system is that we’ll know you’re about to lose your job to an algorithm before you do,” boasted Lin Wei, Chief Information Officer at the Ministry of Totally Benevolent Data Collection. “We can then recommend appropriate reeducation opportunities based on your browsing history, political leanings, and that time you searched ‘is my cat plotting to kill me’ at 3 AM.”
Sources confirm that at this point, most people simply shrugged and continued willingly surrendering their information to social media platforms anyway, proving once again that privacy died years ago and we’re all just attending its ongoing funeral reception.
