PROFESSORS DISCOVER STUDENTS’ BRAINS OUTSOURCED TO DIGITAL THINK-TANKS, STILL CAN’T PROVE IT
In what experts are calling the “greatest academic fraud since professors pretended to read all those books on their office shelves,” university lecturers across the UK are losing their sh!t over students using AI to write papers, music compositions, and probably their Tinder profiles.
TURNS OUT EDUCATION WAS JUST EXPENSIVE COPY-PASTE ALL ALONG
A music lecturer at a “major UK university” (translation: not the one you’re thinking of, but wants you to think it is) estimates that “a good half” of student submissions are now AI-generated, a statistic pulled directly from the depths of professorial anxiety.
“I read an essay last week that was coherent, well-structured, and properly cited,” said Dr. Melody Fadeout. “That’s when I knew something was terribly wrong. No 20-year-old has ever written that well while hungover.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE OR ACTUAL INTELLIGENCE? PROFESSORS CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE
The crisis has sent academics into an existential tailspin faster than you can say “publish or perish.” Many report spending hours staring at student submissions, trying to determine if they were written by ChatGPT or just a surprisingly competent sophomore.
“I’ve developed a foolproof system,” explains Professor Hugh Manwriter. “If I can understand it on the first read, it’s definitely AI-generated.”
UNIVERSITIES SHOCKED TO LEARN STUDENTS AVOID UNNECESSARY WORK
The educational establishment appears gobsmacked by the revelation that given the choice between spending 30 hours researching medieval counterpoint or asking a silicon thinking rectangle to do it in 15 seconds, students are choosing the latter.
“It’s happening so fast we don’t even know what to tell students about these tools,” admitted one lecturer, apparently unaware that their entire profession centers around telling students things.
EXPERTS WARN OF CRISIS, CONVENIENTLY IGNORE THEIR OWN COMPLICITY
Dr. Turnitoff Andcry, head of the newly formed Department of Things That Make Us Uncomfortable at Cambridge-but-not-THE-Cambridge University, estimates that 87% of professors complaining about AI are simultaneously using it to write recommendation letters and research proposals.
“The commodification of education created this problem,” said one professor, presumably while cashing a paycheck from a university charging students $50,000 a year to attend Zoom lectures.
SOLUTION REMAINS ELUSIVE OR WHATEVER AI WOULD SAY HERE
When asked for potential solutions, a spokesperson for the University of Prestigious-Sounding-Name suggested, “Maybe we should, like, talk to students and redesign coursework to be more engaging and less easily replicable by machines? Lol jk, we’re just going to install more plagiarism software and raise tuition.”
At press time, 73% of university administrators were reportedly using ChatGPT to draft emails explaining why AI is destroying education while simultaneously exploring how many faculty could be replaced with it by next semester.
