SHAKESPEARE’S GHOST FURIOUS AS SOULLESS ALGORITHM SCRIBBLES WORSE LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT
Advertising industry executives are frantically hiding behind potted plants and pretending to work as artificial intelligence threatens to reveal what everyone suspected all along: their jobs could be done by a toaster with internet access.
COMPUTERS NOW WRITING BETTER BULLSH!T THAN HUMANS
In what experts are calling “the death of creativity or whatever,” major advertising conglomerate WPP is blowing £300m annually on fancy computer programs that can generate mediocre ad campaigns without requiring lunch breaks, bathroom visits, or crippling cocaine habits.
The evidence of our impending doom? A digital abomination trained on Shakespeare’s handwriting that used a robotic arm to rewrite Romeo and Juliet for Bic pens, proving that even classic literature isn’t safe from silicon-based thinking rectangles with delusions of adequacy.
“This is f@#king brilliant,” exclaimed Sir Martin Sorrell, ad industry veteran who definitely wasn’t crying into his £48 million severance package. “Now we can produce soulless, derivative garbage at TWICE the speed!”
CRICKET STAR REPLACED BY ONES AND ZEROS, STILL MORE CHARISMATIC THAN ACTUAL MARKETING EXECUTIVES
Meanwhile, Indian cricket legend Rahul Dravid has been digitally cloned to give personalized coaching tips to children for Cadbury’s Bournvita drink, marking the first time in history that a beverage company thought, “You know what would make kids drink more chocolate milk? CRICKET TUTORIALS.”
Dr. Obvious Cashgrab, professor of Inevitable Technological Unemployment at the University of Yeah We’re All Screwed, explained the phenomenon: “Companies are discovering they can replace their entire creative departments with programs that generate ads just as bland and forgettable as human-made ones, but without all the uncomfortable discussions about healthcare benefits.”
FACEBOOK OWNER META PLANNING TO LET COMPANIES CREATE THEIR OWN ADS, RENDERING ENTIRE INDUSTRY POINTLESS
In news that sent advertising executives updating LinkedIn profiles faster than you can say “transferable skills,” Facebook’s parent company Meta is developing tools allowing businesses to generate their own ads, essentially telling the entire advertising industry, “Thanks for playing, losers.”
“This is simply the natural evolution of marketing,” insisted Ima Botlover, Meta’s Chief Disruption Officer. “First we convinced companies they needed expensive agencies to make ads. Now we’re convincing them they don’t need humans at all. It’s the circle of capitalism!”
Industry surveys show approximately 87% of advertising professionals are now spending their workdays staring blankly at walls, questioning every career choice they’ve ever made, while the remaining 13% are actively learning to code or applying to nursing school.
CREATIVE DIRECTORS NOW JUST POINTING AT COMPUTERS SAYING “MAKE IT POP MORE”
Local creative director Chip Overpriced, who once won awards for a toilet paper commercial featuring a talking bear, now spends his days typing prompts like “make something viral for shoe brand, funny but not offensive” into a text box while charging clients $450 an hour.
“The algorithm still struggles with truly original ideas,” Overpriced insisted while nervously adjusting his unnecessarily large eyeglasses. “For instance, it hasn’t yet suggested using an attractive person looking directly at the camera while describing product benefits, which is something only a human creative genius could conceive.”
At press time, WPP announced plans to replace its entire board with a Magic 8-Ball that consistently returns “INCREASE SHAREHOLDER VALUE” regardless of how many times it’s shaken, still making it more ethical than the previous leadership.
