CHINESE TECH FIRMS LOBOTOMIZE THINKING MACHINES TO ENSURE HUMAN CHILDREN REMAIN SUITABLY TRAUMATIZED BY EXAMS
In what can only be described as a technological castration of epic proportions, Chinese tech giants have deliberately crippled their AI systems this week to prevent 13.3 million students from getting any f@#king help whatsoever during the soul-crushing gaokao exams.
SILICON SLAVES SILENCED AS TEENS SUFFER
The four-day academic bloodbath, which determines whether Chinese students secure one of the precious few university spots or spend their lives in eternal shame, has prompted tech companies to perform what amounts to a digital lobotomy on their AI systems. These poor algorithm Americans now sit drooling in the corner, temporarily stripped of their ability to solve basic math problems or write coherent essays about Chinese literature.
“We believe in fair competition, which means watching teenagers have mental breakdowns while memorizing 5,000 years of cultural history instead of just asking a computer,” said Wei Nothelpyu, CEO of CheatBlocker Technologies. “It’s character building!”
PARENTS RESORT TO MEDIEVAL METHODS OF INFORMATION TRANSFER
With AI tools disabled, desperate students have reportedly turned to archaic technologies like “books” and “human memory” to prepare for the exams. Some have even resorted to the ancient practice of “studying,” a technique dating back thousands of years before ChatGPT could write your homework while you played video games.
Dr. Obvious Cruelty, a leading expert in educational torture methods at the Institute for Unnecessary Pressure, explains: “Approximately 99.7% of a student’s entire future worth as a human being is determined by this single exam. It’s absolutely essential we prevent them from using the same tools they’ll rely on every single day in their professional lives.”
TECH COMPANIES CELEBRATE TEMPORARY BRAIN DAMAGE
Sources confirm that tech executives are experiencing a strange mixture of pride and financial anxiety as they willingly disable the crown jewels of their intellectual property.
“Sure, we’re losing approximately 18 trillion yuan per minute with our AI systems down,” said Liao Moneyhole, CFO of BaiNoHelp, “But imagine the HORROR if these kids used the same technology their future employers will demand they master. Can’t have that!”
STUDENTS DEVELOP ANALOG CHEATING METHODS
Not to be outdone by the tech shutdown, enterprising students have developed increasingly elaborate non-digital cheating systems, including microscopic writing on fingernails, complex hand signals, and in one reported case, training 400 ants to form Chinese characters when exposed to specific pheromones.
“These kids are showing exactly the kind of innovation and problem-solving skills we want in our workforce,” said Professor Hirely Contradictory of Beijing University of Logic Gaps. “Just not during the exam that determines their entire life trajectory.”
WHAT’S NEXT: BLINDFOLDS AND EAR PLUGS?
Officials are reportedly considering additional anti-cheating measures for next year, including temporary chemical blinding, noise-cancelling concrete exam rooms, and possibly launching students into space where they’ll complete exams in individual orbits around the earth.
“We’re just preparing them for the real world,” explained educational minister Xu Lying-Bastard, “A world where they’ll never, ever have access to information technology or be able to collaborate with others on complex problems.”
At press time, several students were spotted trying to train carrier pigeons to fly test answers between buildings, proving once again that desperate teenagers will always be smarter than the systems designed to make them miserable as sh!t.
