CUTTING-EDGE STARTUP UNVEILS REVOLUTIONARY SOFTWARE THAT LITERALLY JUST CONVERTS YOUR MONEY INTO DISAPPOINTMENT
Manus AI Debuts Groundbreaking Text-to-Crap Algorithm That Makes Your Imagination Look Like It’s Been Through A Blender
SILICON VALLEY’S LATEST MONEY PIT
In what tech analysts are calling “the most efficient way to flush investor capital down a digital toilet since the Metaverse,” AI startup Manus has unveiled its new text-to-video tool that magically transforms your coherent ideas into visual diarrhea that will make you question your life choices.
The revolutionary platform promises to transform simple text prompts like “beautiful sunset over ocean” into what can only be described as “what if a sunset had a stroke while drowning.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS SH!T
“It’s truly remarkable how they’ve managed to make something both technically impressive and visually nauseating at the same time,” said Dr. Lowered Expectations, head of the Institute for Things Nobody Actually Asked For. “The videos look like they were created by an art student who’s been awake for 72 hours straight and is running solely on Red Bull and existential dread.”
The company claims its technology is superior to competitors like OpenAI’s Sora and Google’s Veo because it “focuses on storytelling,” which apparently means “making videos so f@#king weird that you’ll spend 20 minutes trying to explain them to your friends who will never look at you the same way again.”
INVESTORS THROW MONEY AT PROBLEM; PROBLEM GETS LARGER
Venture capitalists have already poured $420 million into the startup despite nobody having any earthly idea how this technology will ever make a goddamn cent of profit.
“We see enormous potential in this space,” said Chad Moneybags, partner at Obvious Bubble Ventures. “By ‘this space,’ I mean the space between reality and the hallucinatory fever dreams of our portfolio managers who haven’t seen daylight in three years.”
USERS REPORT UNEXPECTED RESULTS
Early beta testers report mixed experiences with the platform. One user typed “man walking dog in park on sunny day” and received a 15-second video of what appeared to be a melting wax figure dragging a vibrating blob across what might have been grass or possibly green shag carpeting.
“I asked for a video of my wedding proposal concept,” said beta tester Sarah Jenkins. “Instead I got what looked like two mannequins having a seizure in a field of flowers that were clearly screaming in pain if flowers could scream. My boyfriend saw it and now we’re ‘taking a break.'”
THE TECHNICAL MUMBO JUMBO NO ONE UNDERSTANDS
According to Manus, their algorithm utilizes a “proprietary neural network architecture” that’s been “trained on 69 trillion parameters,” a number that company representatives admit they just made up because it “sounds impressive in pitch meetings.”
“Our competitors are focused on creating realistic videos,” explained Manus CEO Devin Delusional. “We’re more interested in creating videos that make you question whether you accidentally ingested psilocybin with your morning coffee.”
A staggering 97.3% of users report feeling “existentially confused” after using the platform for more than five minutes.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE FUTURE OF HUMANITY
Industry experts predict that by 2025, approximately 82% of all internet content will be incomprehensible AI-generated videos that nobody asked for, while the remaining 18% will be humans reacting to said videos with expressions of horror and confusion.
“This technology represents the next frontier in human communication,” said Professor Iwanna Retirealready from the University of Making Shit Up. “And by ‘frontier,’ I mean the place where language goes to die a horrible death at the hands of algorithms that clearly hate us.”
At press time, Manus was reportedly seeking additional funding to develop a companion AI that can explain to users why the f@#k they should care about any of this bullsh!t in the first place.
