CODING ASSISTANT OR DIGITAL SLAVE DRIVER? MISTRAL UNVEILS AI THAT WRITES CODE WHILE PROGRAMMERS SCROLL INSTAGRAM
Mistral, the tech company that sounds suspiciously like a brand of bottled water, has unveiled their latest contribution to humanity’s slow march toward obsolescence: Mistral Code, an AI tool that promises to make actual human programmers about as necessary as a lifeguard at a desert.
SILICON VALLEY’S NEWEST UNEMPLOYMENT GENERATOR
The new tool, marketed with the tagline “best-in-class coding models,” allows enterprise developers to completely outsource their thinking to an algorithm that never demands bathroom breaks, healthcare, or respect. Company executives are hailing it as a revolutionary advance, while carefully avoiding mention that it effectively renders their entire engineering department expendable.
“Mistral Code represents the pinnacle of human innovation,” gushed Chad Moneymaker, Mistral’s Chief Disruption Officer. “We’ve finally created something that can replace the very people who created it. It’s like giving birth to your own replacement! Isn’t capitalism f@#king magical?”
THE RISE OF THE DIGITAL CODE MONKEY
Industry experts are already weighing in on this technological marvel that promises to do about 87.3% of what human programmers do, but without the inconvenience of complaining about management decisions.
“This is exactly what the tech industry needed,” explains Dr. Obsolete Yourself, Professor of Automated Self-Destruction at Silicon Valley University. “Now programmers can focus on what they do best: updating their LinkedIn profiles and practicing how to say ‘Would you like fries with that?'”
SECURITY FEATURES THAT WILL ABSOLUTELY NEVER FAIL
Mistral has emphasized the tool’s security features, promising that all code will be kept completely confidential and secure, much like how Facebook promised to never, ever sell your data to shadowy third parties.
“Our security is absolutely impenetrable,” claims Mistral’s Head of Wishful Thinking, Polly Anna Delusion. “We’ve implemented a system so secure that not even our own engineers understand how it works, which technically means no one can hack it, right?”
PROGRAMMERS RESPOND WITH MIXTURE OF FEAR AND LAUGHTER
The programming community has responded with its typical blend of existential dread and gallows humor. A survey of developers revealed that approximately 42% are “terrified,” 38% are “updating their resumes,” and 20% are “pretending this isn’t happening while drinking heavily.”
“I spent six years learning to code, and now this digital thought-box can do my job?” said Ruby Developer Samantha Codesmith. “Great, I’ll just pivot to something technology can’t replace, like… um… professional human being? Is that a job yet?”
COST-SAVING MEASURES OR HARBINGER OF DOOM?
Financial analysts project that companies implementing Mistral Code could reduce their engineering costs by up to 60%, primarily by replacing senior developers with junior developers whose sole job is to copy-paste prompts into the AI.
“This is a game-changer for corporate bottom lines,” explains Warren Moneybags, financial analyst at We Love Layoffs Capital. “Companies can now achieve the same mediocre results they’ve always had, but with 60% fewer holiday bonuses to pay out and 100% fewer humans to consider as actual people!”
As of press time, Mistral is already working on their next product: an AI that can replace AI engineers, thus completing the circle of technological cannibalism that the industry calls “progress.”
