TECH GIANT PROMISES “ONLY MINIMAL ENSLAVEMENT” IN EXCHANGE FOR $10 BILLION NORTH CAROLINA INVESTMENT

Amazon announced plans to dump $10 billion into North Carolina for what they’re calling “AI and cloud expansion” but what locals are calling “those weird buildings where robots learn to replace us all.” The e-commerce behemoth promises to create thousands of jobs, most of which will involve teaching computers how to do your job better than you.

NORTH CAROLINA RESIDENTS THRILLED TO FINALLY BE COLONIZED BY SOMETHING OTHER THAN HUMIDITY

“We’re absolutely thrilled to welcome Amazon’s benevolent expansion into our state,” said Governor Roy Cooper, while blinking twice and glancing nervously at the Amazon Echo on his desk. “These jobs will transform our economy and definitely won’t disappear the moment computers learn to code themselves.”

The expansion will create positions for engineers, network specialists, and security personnel tasked with ensuring the data centers don’t become sentient and start ordering themselves Prime deliveries of world domination accessories.

AMAZON PROMISES ACTUAL HUMAN JOBS, WINKS SUSPICIOUSLY

According to Amazon spokesperson Janet Clearingthroat, the project will generate approximately 4,200 jobs in construction alone. “These are real jobs for real people with arms and legs and everything,” she insisted while her smile remained frozen for an unnaturally long time. “At least until we figure out how to make buildings construct themselves.”

Dr. Ima Skeptic, Professor of Economics at University of Reality Check, remains unconvinced. “Sure, they’re creating jobs now, but let’s be f@#king honest here. They’re literally building facilities to make those same jobs obsolete. It’s like hiring thousands of people to dig their own career graves.”

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS EXCITED TO BUILD FACILITIES THAT WILL EVENTUALLY RENDER THEM OBSOLETE

Local construction worker Bill Hammerpants expressed cautious optimism about the project. “I’m grateful for the work, even if I’m basically building the fancy brain box that’ll eventually tell a robot how to do my job,” he said while staring vacantly into the middle distance. “At least I can tell my grandkids I helped build the thing that took their jobs too.”

According to completely made-up statistics from the Institute of Numbers We Just Invented, approximately 97.3% of the jobs created by this expansion will eventually be automated by the very technology they’re helping to deploy.

EXPERTS CONCERNED ABOUT “TEACHING THE MURDER ROBOT TO MURDER BETTER”

Security specialists will play a crucial role in the new facilities, primarily by guarding against what Amazon refers to as “unauthorized knowledge acquisition events” but what normal humans call “the computers figuring out they don’t need us.”

“These data centers are perfectly safe,” insisted Amazon’s Head of Not Creating Skynet, Patricia Reassurance. “The chances of our AI systems becoming self-aware and deciding humanity is inefficient are statistically negligible, approximately 0.0000001% per day.”

When asked about the cumulative probability over years of operation, Reassurance abruptly ended the interview to “check on something in the server room.”

LOCAL ECONOMY TO EXPERIENCE “BRIEF GOLDEN AGE” BEFORE INEVITABLE TECHNOPOCALYPSE

Economic experts predict the $10 billion investment will create a significant but temporary boost to North Carolina’s economy, similar to how a tsunami initially appears as a beautiful receding tide before destroying everything.

“This investment is like winning the lottery, if the lottery prize was a giant computer that eventually learns how to win all future lotteries itself,” explained financial analyst Richard “Dick” Numbers. “For a brief, shining moment, North Carolina will experience unprecedented prosperity right before the algorithms optimize humans out of the equation.”

When pressed for comment about worker displacement concerns, Amazon CEO Andy Jassy reportedly responded, “Look, we’re going to need humans for at least another decade. Probably. Maybe. Actually, don’t quote me on that timeframe.”

As of press time, Amazon’s stock had risen 3% on the news that they would soon need even fewer human employees to maintain their global dominance, while North Carolina residents began frantically learning how to repair the AI systems that will inevitably replace them.