FROZEN WALT RISING: DISNEY’S IMMORTAL CORPSE-SICLE SET TO REANIMATE AND ENFORCE “MANDATORY FUN” ACROSS AMERICA
In what experts are calling “the most f@#king terrifying entertainment news since Cats was made into a movie,” sources confirm the Walt Disney Company is mere months away from successfully reanimating its founder’s frozen corpse, bringing us one step closer to the dystopian hellscape we all secretly crave.
THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, YOUR ASS
For decades, urban legend claimed Walt Disney’s body was cryogenically preserved, waiting for technology to catch up with his megalomaniacal desire to rule the entertainment industry forever. Turns out, that sh!t was TRUE. The company has reportedly spent $420 million developing proprietary “joy enforcement technology” that will allow Disney’s reanimated corpse to detect and punish insufficient happiness.
“The new Walt will be approximately 37% human tissue, 48% advanced robotics, and 15% pure, concentrated childhood trauma,” explains Dr. Penny Pincher, Disney’s Chief Immortality Officer. “The remaining percentage is proprietary and involves harvesting the dreams of children who fell asleep during Fantasia.”
MANDATORY FUN: THE NEW AMERICAN NORMAL
Disney’s granddaughter has publicly opposed the project, calling it “robotic Grampa” and “an abomination against nature that would make even Pinocchio’s wooden ass pucker with fear.” The company responded by reminding her that resistance is both futile and “not very magical.”
“People don’t understand that enforced happiness is the cornerstone of American capitalism,” says Professor Hugh Janus of the Institute for Dystopian Reality Studies. “When ReaniWalt comes online this fall, he’ll simply be completing the project he started with Mickey Mouse: making sure you smile until your face literally cracks, regardless of your actual emotional state.”
TRANSHUMANISM: IT’S NOT JUST FOR MOVIES ANYMORE, BITCHES
While films like The Matrix and Blade Runner have long explored the terrifying implications of extended human consciousness, we’ve apparently learned absolutely nothing. A recent survey found that 89% of tech billionaires are actively pursuing immortality projects, with 74% specifically mentioning “ruling over the ashes of humanity” as their primary motivation.
“Jesse Armstrong’s ‘Mountainhead’ only scratches the surface,” explains cultural analyst Emma Reelname. “The average Silicon Valley CEO has at least three separate contingency plans for transferring their consciousness into either a robot body, the cloud, or in Elon Musk’s case, a genetically modified catgirl.”
COMING SOON TO A THEME PARK NEAR YOU
Disney has already begun construction on a new attraction called “Walt’s Eternal Kingdom,” where visitors will be required to maintain a smile rating of 8.7 or higher or face “corrective joy measures” from RoboWalt himself.
“Think of it as a preview of our collective future,” says Disney spokesperson Michael Rodent. “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll sign away your immortal soul on our updated terms of service that nobody f@#king reads anyway.”
In related news, the National Association of Morticians has issued a statement urging Americans to include “anti-reanimation clauses” in their wills, noting that “death should be the one subscription service you can actually cancel.”
