STUDENT NEWSPAPER CAUGHT IN DESPERATE “ADULT JOURNALIST” FANTASY AFTER REVOKING INVITES TO PEOPLE WHO’VE ACTUALLY PUBLISHED SOMETHING

In what experts are calling “the most pathetic power trip since hall monitors discovered whistles,” the University of Sydney’s student newspaper Honi Soit has spectacularly uninvited real journalists from their upcoming conference after initially begging them to attend like desperate teenagers trying to get celebrities to their Sweet Sixteen.

JOURNALISM DEGREES NOW WORTH LESS THAN CONFEDERATE CURRENCY

Sources confirm that Honi Soit editors first extended a gushing invitation to Gold Walkley award-winner Samantha Maiden in March, practically wetting themselves with excitement at the prospect of someone with actual readers attending their event. The invitation reportedly described her potential appearance as “a highlight of the conference,” which is like calling a functioning toilet the highlight of a gas station bathroom.

Dr. Ima Delusional, Professor of Journalistic Entitlement at the University of Complete Bulls#!t, explained the phenomenon: “Student journalists exist in a unique psychological state where they simultaneously believe they’re more ethical than professional journalists while also desperately craving their validation. It’s like watching someone spit in your face while asking for your autograph.”

EDITORS DISCOVER MORAL HIGH GROUND CONVENIENTLY LOCATED AFTER INVITATIONS ALREADY SENT

The uninviting spree didn’t stop with Maiden. Respected journalist David Marr also received the conference equivalent of being left on read, making this the first time in history student journalists have voluntarily reduced their audience.

“What we’re witnessing is unprecedented,” notes media analyst Professor Obvious Observation. “Typically, student newspapers struggle to get anyone to read their 5,000-word exposés on cafeteria food injustice. Now they’re actively reducing their relevance to f@#king zero.”

Statistics show that 87% of student newspaper editors will eventually work in completely unrelated fields, with the remaining 13% destined to write bitter LinkedIn posts about how journalism “sold out.”

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Sources within Honi Soit’s emergency ethics meeting report that editors spent six hours debating whether to rescind the invitations, pausing only to adjust their berets and unironically quote Howard Zinn.

“We needed to ensure our safe space remained unchallenged by people who’ve actually faced editorial pressure beyond whether to use the Oxford comma,” explained one anonymous editor who requested to remain nameless despite literally no one caring who they are.

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When reached for comment, Maiden, who began her career as editor of Adelaide University’s student newspaper On Dit, reportedly said, “Oh for f@#k’s sake, I used to be them,” before returning to her job of actually influencing national discourse instead of arguing about the political implications of vegan options in the student union.

As of press time, Honi Soit editors were reportedly planning a replacement panel featuring three unemployed TikTok commentators and someone’s cousin who once had a letter published in TV Week.

JOURNALISM CONFERENCE TO NOW FEATURE ZERO JOURNALISTS IN BOLD NEW DIRECTION