TECH GIANT OFFERS “FREE” CYBER PROTECTION, PROMISES “ABSOLUTELY NO BACKDOORS, PINKY SWEAR”
Microsoft extends charitable hand to European governments while definitely not collecting terabytes of state secrets as “incidental data”
BRUSSELS—In what experts are calling the “digital equivalent of a free candy van with tinted windows,” Microsoft announced this week it would generously provide European governments with complimentary cyber security support against AI-based attacks, emphasizing their commitment was “deep, enduring, and unwavering,” much like other famously selfless corporations such as tobacco companies offering free cigarettes to medical students.
THE MOST ALTRUISTIC TECH COMPANY SINCE CAMBRIDGE ANALYTICA
Microsoft executives proudly unveiled their no-strings-attached program during a press conference where they repeatedly denied having any ulterior motives while nervously adjusting their collars.
“We’re simply here to protect Europe from dangerous cyber threats,” explained Microsoft’s Chief Altruism Officer Sarah Datafarm, while a PowerPoint slide behind her accidentally revealed a folder labeled “EU_GOVT_SECRETS_2024_BACKUP.” “It’s basically like we’re giving away free home security systems with cameras that only we can access. But don’t worry about that part.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, SOMEHOW KEEP STRAIGHT FACES
Dr. Hugh B. Naive, Professor of Digital Gullibility at the University of Obviously Bad Ideas, praised the initiative. “When a multi-trillion-dollar corporation offers something for free, history shows they’re always doing it out of the goodness of their hearts,” he explained while accepting a Microsoft-branded Ferrari. “Just like that free version of Windows 11 that definitely isn’t harvesting your biometric data and selling it to advertisers.”
According to Microsoft’s own definitely-not-made-up statistics, 98.7% of European governments are “catastrophically unprepared” for AI-based attacks, while coincidentally, 99.3% of Microsoft shareholders are “extremely prepared” for unprecedented profit growth.
THE FINE PRINT NOBODY F@#KING READS ANYWAY
When pressed about data privacy concerns, Microsoft’s VP of Government Trust, Dick Backdoor, assured reporters that all government information would be handled with the utmost care.
“Look, we’re just going to install this tiny little program on every government computer across Europe. It only needs complete admin access, the ability to run silently in the background, and permission to send unspecified data packets to our servers at 3 AM,” Backdoor explained. “Standard security stuff, really.”
An EU Commission spokesperson who requested anonymity because “Microsoft is literally watching me right now” admitted some concerns. “When they installed it on my computer, my screen briefly flashed a message saying ‘All Your Base Are Belong To Us’ before the Microsoft rep slammed my laptop shut and said it was ‘just part of the security protocol.'”
COMPETING TECH GIANTS RESPOND WITH SHOCK, AWE, AND TOTALLY UNRELATED SIMILAR PROGRAMS
Google responded to Microsoft’s initiative by announcing its own free government security program called “We’re Definitely Not Evil Anymore, Trust Us,” while Apple unveiled “iGovern,” which requires all state secrets to be stored exclusively in iCloud and shared with “absolutely no one except possibly everyone.”
According to leaked documents we completely made up for this article, Microsoft executives originally wanted to call the program “Operation Trojan Horse” but settled on “European Cyber Shield” after their marketing department suggested something “less obviously sinister.”
As of press time, 17 European nations had already signed up for the program, with several reporting their nuclear launch codes were “somehow already pre-filled in the registration form.”
