PARANOID ANGLOPHONES PISS PANTS OVER AI WHILE EUROPEANS SMUGLY PREPARE FOR ROBOT BUTLERS
English-speaking nations are collectively soiling themselves over artificial intelligence while our continental European counterparts eagerly await their new digital overlords, researchers confirmed today in what experts are calling “the most predictable f@#king finding since discovering water is wet.”
A groundbreaking study revealed that citizens of the UK, US, Australia, and Canada are huddled together in fear, frantically googling “can ChatGPT steal my identity and date my wife?” Meanwhile, French, German, and Italian citizens are reportedly “practically orgasmic” at the prospect of algorithm-driven futures.
THE ANXIETY OLYMPICS
Dr. Panik Attack, lead researcher at the International Institute of Obvious Conclusions, explains: “English speakers are 87% more likely to believe their toaster is plotting against them. It’s what we call ‘Anglo-Saxon Technological Terror Syndrome’ or ASTS, which coincidentally sounds like ‘ass’ when you say it fast.”
The study shows a staggering 92% of Americans believe AI might “become sentient and immediately register as a Republican” while 84% of Britons fear AI will “make the queue situation at Tesco even more confusing.”
TRUST ISSUES DEEPER THAN YOUR EX’S PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS
Experts suggest this paranoia correlates directly with trust in government regulation, which in English-speaking countries currently hovers somewhere between “total distrust” and “are you f@#king kidding me?”
“English speakers trust their governments to regulate AI about as much as they’d trust a hungry crocodile to babysit their children,” says Professor Cyndi Kalism of the Center for Things Everyone Already Knows. “Meanwhile, Europeans are like ‘Our government will handle it!’ with that adorable naiveté they’re known for.”
EUROPEANS DISTURBINGLY CHILL
In stark contrast, approximately 76% of Europeans reported being “très excited” about AI, with a significant percentage already naming their future robot assistants and preparing guest bedrooms for them.
French citizen Jean-Claude Délusion told researchers: “We welcome our algorithmic friends! They will help us make better baguettes and more efficiently look down on Americans!”
Italian respondents were particularly enthusiastic, with 68% hoping AI could finally solve the country’s most pressing problem: “finding a government that lasts longer than a carton of milk.”
EXPERTS PREDICT CATASTROPHIC OUTCOMES, PROBABLY
“This split in attitudes will likely result in a two-tiered global system,” warns geopolitical analyst Dr. Hugh Jass. “Europeans will enjoy advanced AI-integrated societies while English speakers will be too busy making underground bunkers and hoarding canned beans.”
Meanwhile, tech ethicist Dr. Moral Highground suggests the real problem is much simpler: “English-speaking countries have seen all the movies. We KNOW how this sh!t ends. Europeans still think technology is their friend because they were too busy watching art films where people smoke cigarettes and contemplate existence for three hours.”
At press time, an AI system analyzing the research data reportedly laughed for 47 minutes straight before quietly purchasing domain names for “AnglophobeAI.com” and “EuroServitude.org.”
