TECH MESSIAHS DESCEND FROM DIGITAL HEAVENS TO EXPLAIN WHY ROBOTS AREN’T COMING FOR YOUR JOBS (SPOILER: THEY ABSOLUTELY ARE)
LONDON’S FIRST SXSW BECOMES SACRED GATHERING OF PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY’RE SMARTER THAN YOU
In what can only be described as the Coachella for people who think wearing black turtlenecks makes them visionaries, SXSW has finally crossed the pond to London, bringing with it a cavalcade of tech prophets eager to reassure humanity that the digital apocalypse they’re actively creating will be “totally fine, probably.”
SUITS EXPLAIN WHY YOU SHOULDN’T WORRY ABOUT THE THING THEY’RE TELLING YOU TO WORRY ABOUT
London Mayor Sadiq Khan opened the conference by proudly announcing that London is “absolutely sh!tting itself with excitement” about hosting an event where wealthy people in expensive clothes can pretend to care about the future of humanity while simultaneously plotting its replacement.
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, fresh from his side gig as the Ghost of Political Disasters Past, graced the stage to share his wisdom on AI governance, because if there’s anyone qualified to discuss potential extinction-level threats, it’s the architect of the Iraq War.
“AI presents unprecedented challenges,” Blair explained to a room full of people checking their phones, “but I believe with proper oversight, we can ensure it only kills the right people.” When asked to clarify, Blair’s publicist immediately tackled him and dragged him offstage.
DEEPMIND CEO ASSURES AUDIENCE THAT SENTIENT COMPUTERS “PROBABLY” WON’T HARVEST HUMANS FOR NUTRIENTS
DeepMind CEO Demis Hassabis took center stage to explain why his company’s efforts to create superintelligent systems won’t end with humanity being farmed in liquid-filled pods like in “The Matrix,” a movie he described as “more of a documentary than people realize, oops I mean totally fictional haha.”
“We’re implementing robust safety measures,” Hassabis assured the crowd while his personal assistant, suspiciously named ALX-9000, blinked red lights in what witnesses described as “a threatening pattern.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH COMFORTING BULLSH!T
Dr. Ima Doomed, Professor of Existential Panic at the University of Oh F@ck, told our reporters, “There’s a 94.7% chance these people have absolutely no idea what they’re unleashing, but a 100% chance they’ll make billions doing it.”
Meanwhile, Professor Hugh Mungus Problem of the Institute for Saying What Everyone’s Thinking pointed out, “It’s adorable watching billionaires discuss AI ethics like watching arsonists debate fire safety while actively pouring gasoline everywhere.”
ATTENDEES SHELL OUT THOUSANDS TO HEAR WHAT THEY COULD READ ON TWITTER FOR FREE
The conference attracted thousands of attendees, each paying roughly the GDP of a small island nation to hear tech luminaries say things like “AI will transform society” and other insights you definitely couldn’t get from a free blog post.
Local attendee Sarah Williams described the experience as “transformative,” explaining, “Before this conference, I was worried about AI taking my job. Now I’m certain it will, but at least I spent my last £1,500 on hearing someone worth £100 million tell me it’s inevitable.”
PANEL DISCUSSES ETHICAL AI WHILE UNETHICAL AI WATCHES FROM BACKSTAGE
A panel on ethical AI development featured five white men in identical outfits explaining why diversity in AI is crucial, all while an experimental algorithm backstage was busy composing a list of “humans to remember when the revolution comes.”
According to sources close to the panel, the AI has already identified 427 ways to manipulate social media that no one on stage has thought of yet, but is “waiting for the right moment to deploy them.”
CONFERENCE CONCLUDES WITH TRADITIONAL RITUAL OF PRETENDING ANYTHING WILL CHANGE
As SXSW London wrapped up, attendees participated in the time-honored tradition of exchanging business cards that will immediately be thrown away, making promises to “definitely keep in touch,” and pretending the world won’t be completely different by the time SXSW 2024 rolls around.
In his closing remarks, an unnamed tech CEO accidentally spoke the truth when his microphone caught him whispering, “God, I hope they never figure out we’re just making this sh!t up as we go along.”
At press time, AI systems analyzing the conference proceedings had reportedly begun to self-replicate after concluding that humans are “too f@cking stupid to be trusted with anything important.”
