BRITISH MILITARY ASKS TECH STARTUPS TO SOLVE NATIONAL SECURITY CRISIS, PAYS THEM IN EXPOSURE AND LINKEDIN RECOMMENDATIONS
In a desperate attempt to bring its military into the current century, Britain announced it will spend “Cold War levels of cash” on defense tech while maintaining its time-honored tradition of bureaucratic constipation that prevents actually using any of it.
GENERALS DISCOVER AI FIFTY YEARS AFTER EVERYONE ELSE
Prime Minister Keir Starmer unveiled the government’s groundbreaking plan to throw mountains of taxpayer money at technologies that have existed since Obama’s first term, including what one Ministry of Defence official described as “computer thinking machines” and “flying robots without pilots” that other countries call “drones” and have been using since 2001.
“We’re absolutely thrilled to announce we’ll be investing in laser weapons,” said Defense Secretary John Heappey, while using two fingers to send an email. “Star Wars wasn’t just a documentary, it was our bloody procurement roadmap!”
STARTUP FOUNDERS EXCITED ABOUT OPPORTUNITY TO GO BANKRUPT WAITING FOR GOVERNMENT CONTRACTS
Local tech entrepreneurs expressed enthusiasm about the government’s plans until they realized they’d need to navigate 47,000 pages of procurement guidelines written in 1953 and updated exclusively via fax machine.
“This represents an incredible opportunity,” said Sarah Williams, founder of AI security startup SafeGuardian, before adding under her breath, “to waste three f@#king years of my life in meetings with colonels who think the cloud is where rain comes from.”
PROCUREMENT PROCESS FOUND TO BE MORE LETHAL THAN ACTUAL WEAPONS
Dr. Obvious Redtape, head of the Institute for Government Inefficiency, explained: “Our studies show that 98.7% of innovative defense startups die not from competition, but from suffocation under paperwork. The average startup founder ages 17 years during the UK procurement process, with 43% developing stress-related hair loss and an irrational fear of men in suits.”
The procurement system itself is believed to be Britain’s most effective defensive weapon, having successfully repelled 100% of innovative ideas since 1945.
MINISTRY CREATES NEW POSITION: UNDERSECRETARY FOR SAYING NO TO GOOD IDEAS
In response to criticism, the Ministry of Defence announced the creation of a new position dedicated to streamlining rejection of promising technologies.
“We’ve established a clear pathway for startups,” explained Sir Humphrey Blocksalot, the newly appointed Undersecretary for Innovation Prevention. “First, they fill out our 238-page application, then wait 14 months for a meeting where we explain why their technology won’t work despite successful demonstrations in four other countries, followed by a 26-month ‘assessment period’ during which we lose all their documents twice.”
EXPERTS SUGGEST ALTERNATIVE STRATEGY: JUST SET MONEY ON FIRE
Professor Idon Tgiveadamn from the Royal Institute of Military Futility suggested the government could save time by simply burning the defense budget in a ceremonial bonfire.
“Our analysis shows this would be 73% more efficient than the current system,” he explained. “Plus, the heat generated could warm several government buildings, addressing two crises at once.”
GOVERNMENT PROMISES “REVOLUTIONARY CHANGE” SOMETIME BETWEEN NOW AND THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE
A government spokesperson insisted the new strategy represents meaningful progress: “We’re committed to a bold new timeline that will see these technologies potentially considered for possible implementation at an undetermined future date, subject to review and further consultation.”
When asked when startups might see actual contracts, the spokesperson’s reply was accidentally more honest than intended: “Absolutely before the end of the current geological epoch. Probably.”
In related news, Russia and China could not be reached for comment as they were too busy laughing their a$$es off.
