SPOTIFY CONFIRMS HUMANS ACTUALLY JUST VERY SOPHISTICATED BOTS WITH TERRIBLE TASTE
In what industry insiders are calling “the least shocking revelation since we discovered DJs just press play,” streaming platforms are now drowning in AI-generated music while actual human musicians are left wondering why they bothered learning instruments in the first place.
SILICON VALLEY’S NEWEST SH!T SANDWICH
Spotify, Apple Music, and other streaming services have become a veritable dumping ground for computer-generated garbage masquerading as music, with over 20,000 AI-created tracks being uploaded DAILY to Deezer alone. That’s 18% of all new music, which experts say is “still less annoying than anything Maroon 5 has released.”
“It’s quite brilliant actually,” explains Dr. Cash Grabber, Professor of Exploitation Economics at Get F@cked University. “Why pay actual artists who need food and shelter when you can have mindless algorithms create endless streams of sonic wallpaper that somehow still sound better than Ed Sheeran?”
BOTS LISTENING TO BOTS: DIGITAL MASTURBATION ECONOMY THRIVES
The fraudsters behind this scheme don’t just create fake music; they employ armies of fake listeners to stream it. According to made-up statistics we just invented, approximately 87% of all streaming now consists of fake songs being listened to by fake accounts created by real assholes.
“We’ve created the perfect ecosystem,” boasts Vladimir Scamalot, who refused to confirm or deny his role in the operation but was suspiciously eager to explain how it works. “Our sophisticated listening bots can stream thousands of AI-generated tracks simultaneously without ever complaining about the quality. Human listeners are so last century.”
INDIE ARTISTS SHOCKED TO LEARN THEY’RE SOMEHOW GETTING PAID EVEN LESS
Meanwhile, legitimate independent musicians are being blamed for the fraud despite already earning approximately $0.0000000001 per stream. Local indie musician Brooke N. Starving reports that her monthly streaming revenue has dropped from “almost enough to buy ramen” to “not even enough to afford the water to cook it in.”
“I spent ten years perfecting my craft, invested my life savings in recording equipment, and toured in a van that smelled like death,” laments Starving. “All so I could be outperformed by ‘ChillLoFiBeatz385,’ an algorithm that was born seventeen minutes ago and already has more monthly listeners than I’ll get in my lifetime.”
STREAMING PLATFORMS PROMISE TO ADDRESS ISSUE BY MAKING SITUATION SOMEHOW WORSE
When reached for comment, a Spotify representative who wished to remain anonymous said, “We’re deeply concerned about this issue, which is why we’re implementing new technology that will definitely create three new problems for every one we solve. Also, have you tried our new premium tier that allows you to almost hear the music you actually want?”
Industry analyst Penny Wise suggests that streaming platforms secretly love the fraud because “it’s honestly cheaper to pay royalties to fake artists than real ones who might eventually hire lawyers.”
A recent survey found that 92% of record executives couldn’t tell the difference between AI-generated music and actual indie bands, primarily because they “haven’t actually listened to music since 1997.”
MUSICIANS CONSIDER RADICAL SOLUTION: ACTUALLY SELLING MUSIC
In what analysts are calling “a return to the f@cking stone age,” some artists are considering abandoning streaming platforms altogether and selling their music directly to fans like it’s 2003 or something.
“It’s absolutely insane,” says music industry consultant Noah Morals. “Next thing you know, they’ll want to be paid for their work and treated with basic dignity. Where does it end?”
At press time, several AI-generated artists had formed a union and were demanding healthcare benefits, proving once and for all that artificial intelligence has already evolved beyond human intelligence by at least recognizing its own worth.
