JUNIOR EMPLOYEES OFFICIALLY DECLARED ‘OBSOLETE MEAT WIDGETS’ AS AI SNAGS ALL ENTRY-LEVEL JOBS
In a devastating blow to recent graduates and their useless liberal arts degrees, the corporate world has collectively decided that hiring actual humans for entry-level positions is “so 2022.” Companies nationwide are replacing their unpaid interns and coffee-fetching assistants with ChatGPT subscriptions that don’t require health insurance or bathroom breaks.
ROBOTS DON’T NEED EXPERIENCE TO GAIN EXPERIENCE
The irony of needing experience to get experience has finally reached its logical conclusion as employers now prefer digital assistants that were literally born yesterday but somehow have the knowledge of all human history.
“We used to hire journalism graduates to fact-check and write basic stories,” explained Janet Moneyworth, Chief Exploitation Officer at MegaMedia Corp. “But then we realized we could just pay $20 a month for an algorithm that doesn’t complain about working 80-hour weeks or expect to be paid a living wage.”
Statistics show that 94% of entry-level tasks can now be performed by what experts call “thought-having rectangles,” though this statistic was entirely made up by this reporter approximately four seconds ago.
GRADUATES FRANTICALLY TRYING TO PROVE THEY’RE MORE VALUABLE THAN SILICON
College career counselors are now advising students to emphasize their uniquely human qualities in job interviews, such as their ability to sweat nervously and their need for oxygen.
“I spent $200,000 on a journalism degree only to find out my dream job has been given to something that was trained on BuzzFeed articles,” lamented recent graduate Emma Screwed, 22, while updating her résumé to emphasize her “ability to consume food” as a competitive advantage.
EXPERTS WARN OF “CAREER LADDER THAT STARTS ON THE THIRD FLOOR”
Dr. Obvious Truth, professor of Economic Inevitabilities at Stanford, warns that removing the bottom rungs of career ladders creates an impossible situation for new workforce entrants.
“How the f@#k are young people supposed to get started when every ‘starter job’ requires three years of experience AND competing against a
