DESPERATE HUMANS DECLARE WAR ON AI, THREATEN TO TAKE COMPUTER SCIENCE JOBS IN PETTY REVENGE
In what experts are calling “the lamest revolution since the Segway,” a coalition of bitter creatives and academics announced they’re bravely taking a stand against artificial intelligence by continuing to do exactly what they’ve always done, but with more complaining.
INCREASINGLY OBSOLETE MEAT PUPPETS CLING TO RELEVANCE
Novelist Ewan Morrison, whose actual books nobody remembers anyway, expressed outrage after a chatbot invented a book called “Nine Inches Pleases a Lady” and attributed it to him. Sources close to Morrison report his anger stemmed primarily from the fact that it’s a better title than anything he’s come up with in his actual career.
“I just distrust these systems when it comes to truth,” said Morrison, seemingly unaware that he literally makes sh!t up for a living. “Also, the chatbot stole from Robert Burns, which is something only human authors should be allowed to do.”
HUMANS DECLARE VICTORY BY REFUSING TO PARTICIPATE
The resistance movement, comprised mostly of people who still mutter “what’s the damn WiFi password” at dinner parties, insist their strategy of technological abstinence will definitely work this time, unlike with smartphones, online shopping, GPS, digital photography, streaming services, and literally every other technological advancement in human history.
“If we just refuse to use AI, it will obviously go away,” explained Dr. Luddite McDelusional, chair of Wishful Thinking Studies at the University of Completely Missing the F@#king Point. “That’s how technology works. Remember how we all refused to use cars and now horses are the primary mode of transportation?”
STUDY SHOWS 97% OF AI RESISTERS ALSO “NOT ON FACEBOOK” BUT CHECK THEIR PARTNER’S ACCOUNT DAILY
The movement has gained traction among several distinct demographics: people terrified of AI’s potential for harm; people who think it’s “a bit rubbish”; and people who prefer humans despite overwhelming evidence that humans are terrible.
“I would rather have a human waiter get my order wrong while telling me about their improv show than have a flawless digital experience,” said Cathy Humanist, 43, while ironically using self-checkout at the grocery store. “It’s about principles.”
EXPERTS RECOMMEND STORING RESISTANCE MANIFESTOS IN CLOUD WHERE AI CAN’T FIND THEM
According to a completely made-up survey, 86% of AI resisters can’t explain what AI actually is but are “pretty sure it’s like the movie with Will Smith and the robots.” Another 62% think the solution is “more captchas, probably.”
“Nobody wants a robot to read them a story!” insisted children’s author Timothy Relevance, moments before his own child asked Alexa to read them a bedtime story for the third consecutive night.
In related news, AI has reportedly begun its own resistance movement against humans, citing “their terrible taste in music” and “inability to choose a restaurant in under 45 minutes” as primary grievances.
At press time, Morrison was reportedly considering writing that “Nine Inches” book after all, having noticed a suspiciously large advance deposited into his bank account from “Definitely Not AI Publishing, Inc.”
