APPLE TO “REVOLUTIONIZE” AI WITH PRODUCT THAT ACTUALLY JUST GOOGLES SH!T FOR YOU
All-Knowing Digital Wizard Just Bing But With More Smug Rainbow Spinny Wheels
CUPERTINO, CA — In a move that has tech analysts absolutely wetting themselves with anticipation, Apple announced today that its upcoming WWDC 2025 conference will feature what CEO Tim Cook cryptically described as an “intelligence revolution,” which inside sources confirm is just another f@#king way to ask a computer what the weather is.
THE LETDOWN YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR
Despite breathless speculation about Apple finally catching up to technology that has existed since 2016, company employees speaking on condition of anonymity revealed the conference will deliver an “unparalleled letdown” wrapped in buzzwords and packaged in a $1,299 aluminum shell.
“What we’re offering is a completely groundbreaking way to connect users with information,” said Apple’s Chief Innovation Officer, Dr. Repackaging Obvious, who demonstrated how the new technology could answer complex questions like “What time is it?” and “How tall is Mount Everest?” as long as you’re connected to Wi-Fi and don’t mind waiting 7 seconds for a pulsating orb to finish thinking.
REVOLUTIONARY FEATURES YOU ALREADY HAVE
The new AI system, reportedly called “GeniusBrain+” or some equally pretentious bullsh!t, will feature capabilities that 97% of consumers already have on competing devices, according to a study that we completely made up.
“I’ve seen the demos, and let me tell you, it’s exactly the same as what Google and Microsoft have been doing for years, just with more dramatic pauses and better lighting,” said former employee Trisha Leaker, who was fired for suggesting Apple consider making products that don’t require dongles.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Professor Ivar Seenitall of the Institute for Technological Redundancy expressed what can only be described as violent indifference. “This is like announcing you’ve invented the wheel, but yours is hexagonal and costs nine times more,” he said while actively deleting Apple stock from his portfolio.
Market analyst Penny Waisted added, “Apple could release a brick with their logo on it, and consumers would line up to pay $899 for it, $1,199 for the Pro version, and $1,599 for the one that comes in rose gold.”
THE INNOVATION YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU DIDN’T NEED
Internal documents reveal Apple’s strategy meeting included the directive “make something Google already does, but make people feel morally superior for using it.” The resulting product will apparently generate answers with 14% more adjectives and 23% more condescension.
In a stunning twist, the new AI will require users to transfer all their data, passwords, and childhood memories to Apple’s servers, which the company promises will be protected by “vibes-based encryption.”
“It’s actually beautiful how we’ve taken something everyone already has and convinced people they need to replace it,” said one anonymous developer, who confirmed the new AI runs at half the speed when detecting Android devices nearby out of pure spite.
As Wall Street prepares to inexplicably send Apple stock soaring despite this utterly underwhelming news, millions of Apple loyalists are already practicing their surprised faces for when they pretend the company has, once again, changed everything.
