MAN WHO BUILT GIANT HEAT-BELCHING ELECTRICITY HOGS NOW “CONCERNED” ABOUT PLANET WARMING UP FOR SOME REASON
REDMOND, WA – In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted, Microsoft executives expressed “deep concern” that building thousands of power-hungry data centers might somehow interfere with their commitment to save the very same planet they’re currently cooking like a Hot Pocket in a microwave.
“WE PROMISE TO BE CARBON NEGATIVE BY THURSDAY OR WHATEVER”
Microsoft, which recently announced plans to construct approximately 69,420 new data centers to power their AI services, held an emergency board meeting after someone finally explained to them that electricity doesn’t magically appear from the air like their profit margins.
“We are absolutely committed to being carbon negative by 2030,” said Chip Overheating, Microsoft’s Chief Sustainability Officer, while sitting in front of a newly constructed data center visibly melting the surrounding snow in July. “We just need to figure out how to run computers that consume the electrical equivalent of Denmark while also saving polar bears. How hard could it be?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, THEN PROMPTLY WEIGH OUT
Scientists have raised alarms about the contradictory goals, with Dr. Obvious Statement from the Institute for Pointing Out Sh!t Everyone Already Knows noting, “You can’t consume unlimited resources while also consuming fewer resources. That’s literally not how anything f@#king works.”
Internal documents reveal Microsoft’s innovative three-point plan to address these concerns:
1. Hope really hard
2. Change the definition of “sustainable”
3. Pay people to say it’s fine
THE RENEWABLE ENERGY WILL DEFINITELY SHOW UP, PINKY PROMISE
Microsoft claims its data centers will run on 100% renewable energy, which is technically true if you ignore 78% of their actual power consumption and count “planning to buy credits someday” as “renewable.”
“We’ve invested heavily in renewable energy solutions,” explained Microsoft’s Vice President of Creative Accounting, Fudge McNumbers. “By 2025, we’ll have enough solar panels to power approximately three (3) Xbox consoles, assuming they’re turned off and unplugged.”
DEFINITELY NOT A PROBLEM THAT WILL GET EXPONENTIALLY WORSE
According to industry experts, AI systems require roughly the same amount of electricity as seventeen small nations just to determine whether a picture contains a hot dog. Microsoft’s new GPT-5 model reportedly needs its own dedicated nuclear reactor just to decide whether your email is too passive-aggressive.
Professor Cassandra Truthbomb of Reality University points out, “The computing power needed for AI doubles approximately every 3.5 months, while Microsoft’s sustainability goals assume it will somehow decrease. That’s like planning your diet around the assumption that donuts will start having negative calories.”
When asked about this discrepancy, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella was seen pulling a fire alarm before diving through a nearby window.
In related news, Microsoft announced a new feature that will automatically plant a tree emoji whenever their data centers cause a rolling blackout.
