HUMANITY DOOMED AS FACEBOOK PARENT META INTRODUCES “AD-ACOLYPSE” AI THAT WILL MAKE YOUR WORST THOUGHTS BUY SH!T
In a move that financial analysts are calling “the digital marketing equivalent of giving a toddler a flamethrower and a Red Bull,” Mark Zuckerberg’s Meta announced plans to let artificial intelligence create and target ad campaigns by the end of next year, effectively telling thousands of marketing professionals to go f@#k themselves.
COMPUTERS TO REPLACE THE ONE JOB EVERYONE ALREADY HATED
Meta’s revolutionary new system will eliminate the need for human advertising executives, who traditionally spend their days wearing expensive suits while pretending to understand what “synergy” means. The AI promises to deliver the same mediocre, privacy-invading ads but without requiring dental insurance or bathroom breaks.
“This is truly a breakthrough moment for digital advertising,” said Dr. Selya Soul, Meta’s Chief Existential Revenue Officer. “Our AI can now read your most private thoughts and transform them into targeted ads with 87% more psychological manipulation than human-created campaigns, all while consuming only electricity instead of cocaine and expense accounts.”
THE MACHINES NOW KNOW EXACTLY WHY YOU’RE STILL SINGLE AND HAVE SUGGESTIONS
Meta’s new technology can reportedly analyze a user’s entire digital footprint in microseconds, creating ads so personally targeted they’ll make users question if they’re living in a simulation or just being stalked by an algorithm with excellent taste in overpriced athleisure wear.
According to totally real statistics we just made up, the AI advertising system is already 942% better at making you feel inadequate about your life choices than your own mother, and it doesn’t even need to call on holidays.
“This is completely devastating news for the advertising industry,” said Chad Moneybags, CEO of the Association of People Who Make Annoying Ads. “How will our creatives survive when they can no longer charge clients $250,000 for changing the color of a button from blue to slightly different blue?”
AREA MAN REALIZES HIS ENTIRE CAREER WAS ALWAYS JUST ONE ALGORITHM AWAY FROM OBSOLESCENCE
Local marketing executive Trevor Panicker, 43, spent Monday updating his LinkedIn profile to include skills like “human empathy” and “can operate without being plugged into a wall,” which he believes gives him a competitive edge over the incoming AI overlords.
“I’ve been in advertising for twenty years,” Panicker said while stress-eating a sandwich at his desk. “I’m not worried about some silicon-based thinking rectangle taking my job. Can an AI come up with something as brilliant as ‘Got Milk?’ or ‘Just Do It’? Actually, wait, don’t answer that. Oh sh!t.”
Professor Ima Screwed from the Institute of Digital Economics estimates that approximately 94.3% of marketing professionals will be replaced by AI within five years, with the remaining 5.7% kept around solely to explain to confused CEOs why their company’s logo is now a floating orb that represents “post-consumer emotional connectivity.”
THE END OF HUMANITY TO BE SPONSORED BY THAT ONE WEIRD TRICK DOCTORS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW
As Meta rolls out its new AI advertising system, experts predict a 500% increase in eerily accurate ads appearing moments after you think about a product, leaving internet users wondering if they accidentally said their thoughts out loud or if the digital surveillance state has simply reached its final form.
At press time, Zuckerberg was reportedly developing an even more advanced system that not only creates ads but also generates the consumers who view them, finally eliminating the last unpredictable element in the digital ecosystem: human free will.
