APPLE CONFIRMS THEY’LL BE “TAKING A NAP” WHILE COMPETITORS SPRINT AHEAD IN AI RACE
Tech Giant Announces Official “Gap Year” To Explore Finding Itself, Smoking Weed, and Touring Europe While Competition Actually Makes Progress
BY MORGAN “DYING INSIDE” JOURNALIST
CUPERTINO’S OFFICIAL EXCUSE DEPARTMENT
Apple executive Tim Cook announced today that the world’s most valuable tech company will be taking a “gap year” from AI innovation, confirming what industry analysts have long suspected: the company has absolutely no f@#king clue what it’s doing in the artificial intelligence space.
“We’re calling it a ‘gap year’ because it sounds better than ‘we’re completely screwed and need another 12 months to figure out what everyone else already has,'” said Apple’s Chief Innovation Procrastinator, who requested anonymity because his job literally depends on sounding optimistic.
The company plans to rebrand existing features with “AI” in the name, a strategy analysts describe as “putting lipstick on a digital pig.” The 3 billion parameter model Apple plans to release to developers is reportedly “just powerful enough to write a haiku about why it can’t complete your actual request.”
“Apple’s AI strategy is like watching your grandpa try to use TikTok,” explained Dr. Obvious Observation, professor of Tech Giant Psychology at Literally Any University. “They’re showing up three years late to the party with a bottle of milk and wondering why everyone’s already drunk.”
THE COMPETITION IS LITERALLY LAPPING THEM
While Apple takes its leisurely sabbatical, competitors like Microsoft, Google, and Anthropic continue aggressively developing AI technology that actually works. Anthropic recently hit $3 billion in annualized revenue, tripling in just six months, while Apple executives reportedly spend meetings arguing about whether Siri should say “I’m sorry” before or after it fails to understand basic questions.
“We have a 150 billion parameter model that’s almost as good as ChatGPT,” claimed one Apple engineer, speaking on condition that we don’t mention they’ve been working on it since ChatGPT was in diapers. “But we’re waiting until 2026 to release it because everyone loves waiting for technology that’ll be obsolete before it launches.”
WHAT USERS CAN EXPECT AT WWDC
According to sources, Apple’s WWDC keynote will feature:
– A new OS naming convention to distract from the lack of actual innovation
– The phrase “AI-powered” repeated approximately 147 times
– Several demos of features competitors released in 2023
– Seventeen references to “privacy” as the reason they’re so goddamn slow
“It’s a brilliant strategy,” said Professor Idon Tcare from the Institute of Technological Excuses. “By the time 2026 rolls around, everyone will have such low expectations for Apple’s AI capabilities that if Siri successfully sets a timer without misunderstanding you, people will think it’s f@#king magic.”
WE ASKED AN APPLE EMPLOYEE TO EXPLAIN THE DELAY
“Look, creating AI isn’t easy,” explained an Apple engineer who requested anonymity because “management punishes honesty.” “We’ve been busy with more important projects, like figuring out how to charge $1,499 for a monitor stand and designing another dongle that you’ll lose within 48 hours.”
Internal surveys reveal that 94% of Apple employees believe the company’s AI strategy consists entirely of “hoping everyone forgets about AI by 2026,” while the remaining 6% were too busy polishing the titanium on their Apple Watches to respond.
In perhaps the most telling sign of Apple’s AI struggles, insiders report that when executives asked Siri about the company’s AI strategy, she responded: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand ‘Why are we so behind?’ Would you like me to search the web instead?”
USERS RESPOND WITH CHARACTERISTIC BRAND LOYALTY
Despite the announcement, Apple diehards remain steadfast in their support. “I’m fine waiting until 2026 for AI features everyone else has now,” said Marvin AppleFan, who hasn’t removed his Apple Vision Pro in three months despite developing what doctors call “permanent reality disorder.”
“Besides,” he added, “this gives me time to save up for the $5,499 ‘AI Intelligence Pro Max Ultra Edition’ license they’ll inevitably charge for features that come free on Android.”
As Apple executives prepare for their gap year, sources confirm they’ll spend it “recharging, reflecting, and genuinely hoping everyone gets collective amnesia about this whole AI thing” before their 2026 reemergence into a world that will have long since moved on to whatever comes after AI.
When reached for comment, Siri responded: “I’ve set a timer for gap year. Would you like me to play Gap Band songs instead?”
