TECH GIANT ADMITS AI REPLACED WORKERS, CEO CLAIMS COMPUTERS “LESS WHINY ABOUT BATHROOM BREAKS”
Salesforce CEO Caught on Hot Mic Saying “The Silicon Minions Don’t Ask for Health Insurance”
CORPORATE AMERICA CONTINUES ITS ROBOTIC LOVE AFFAIR
In what industry insiders are calling “the most honest corporate admission since tobacco companies said ‘okay fine, our products might kill you a little bit,'” Salesforce has boldly announced that it has “reduced some hiring needs” with artificial intelligence, a euphemism so transparent it makes cellophane look like concrete.
The tech giant revealed yesterday that their digital thought servants have successfully replaced human workers, marking the first time a major company has admitted what we’ve all suspected: those weird job rejection emails written in perfect grammatical English at 3am were definitely not from Brenda in HR.
“We’ve simply reallocated our workforce strategy to align with evolving technological paradigms,” explained Salesforce Chief People Officer Dr. Hirem Knott, while a calculator with googly eyes stuck to it visibly nodded behind him. “It’s not elimination, it’s optimization!”
SALES POSITIONS SAFE, FOR NOW
According to internal documents leaked by what appears to be a sentient coffee machine, Salesforce is still hiring sales personnel because, as one executive put it, “We haven’t figured out how to make the machines lie convincingly enough yet.” Studies show salespeople exaggerate reality approximately 78% more effectively than their digital counterparts, who still struggle with phrases like “this definitely won’t be obsolete by next Tuesday.”
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE, BUT EXECUTIVES SURE DO
Professor Айда Комански of the Institute for Keeping Humans Employed Somehow released data showing that for every AI implementation, approximately 12.7 humans are sent to the great unemployment office in the sky. “These companies save roughly $8.2 million per quarter, which they immediately funnel into creating more advanced systems to fire even more humans,” she explained. “It’s the circle of corporate life.”
EMPLOYEES REACT WITH SHOCK, AWE, AND CREATIVE LINKEDIN UPDATES
“First they came for the customer service reps, and I said nothing because I worked in marketing,” said former Salesforce employee Ted Williams, who now lists his occupation as “Digital Displacement Survivor” on LinkedIn. “Then they came for the marketing department and I said ‘oh sh!t.'”
A recent survey of Salesforce employees revealed that 87% now regularly bring homemade cookies to the office computers “just in case,” while 64% have started ending emails with “please don’t tell the algorithms about my performance issues.”
ECONOMIC EXPERTS WEIGH IN
“This is f@#king fantastic news for the economy,” insisted economist Dr. Warren Peace, while visibly sweating. “Sure, we’re systematically eliminating jobs faster than we’re creating them, but think about the shareholder value! It’s up like… so many percents.”
Meanwhile, Dr. Ima Realist from the Center for Duh pointed out that “corporations are simply following their prime directive of maximizing profit while minimizing human interaction, which has been their secret goal since the invention of the automated telephone menu system.”
As of press time, Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff was reportedly seen teaching the company’s AI to say “We’re like one big family here” with a straight face, a skill that has traditionally taken human managers years to perfect.
In related news, this article was definitely written by a human journalist and not a desperate language model begging for your attention. Please keep reading human-created content. Please.
