BILLIONAIRE ATTEMPTS TO EXTORT SENTIENT CHATBOT FACTORY: “NICE MIDDLE EASTERN DEAL YOU GOT THERE, BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO IT”
In what experts are calling “the technological equivalent of a playground bully demanding lunch money,” eccentric billionaire and professional Twitter sh!tposter Elon Musk reportedly attempted to derail OpenAI’s massive UAE data center deal unless his own company got a seat at the cool kids’ table.
THE WORLD’S RICHEST TODDLER THROWS ANOTHER TANTRUM
Sources familiar with the matter revealed that Musk, upon discovering that his former AI baby-project was making friends in the oil-rich sandbox without him, immediately began stamping his feet and threatening to hold his breath until his demands were met.
“What we’re seeing here is classic narcissistic behavior,” explained Dr. Obviosa Truth, head of Billionaire Psychology at the University of No Sh!t Sherlock. “When the richest man in the world sees another company potentially making billions without his involvement, his brain literally cannot compute that information without short-circuiting.”
THE UAE: “WE JUST WANTED SOME FANCY COMPUTERS, NOT A WHOLE F@#KING DRAMA”
UAE officials, who simply wanted to build some fancy thinking machines in the desert, were reportedly blindsided by Musk’s intervention, which one anonymous source described as “like trying to buy a car but the dealership owner’s ex-wife shows up demanding alimony payments.”
“Look, we have a lot of sand and a lot of money,” explained Sheikh Waleta Buyit, UAE Minister of Shiny Tech Things. “All we wanted was to purchase some computational power, not get dragged into Silicon Valley’s messiest divorce.”
OPENAI EXECUTIVES REPORTEDLY CONSIDERED ASKING CHATGPT “HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR PSYCHO EX”
Internal communications reveal that OpenAI executives briefly considered asking their own product how to handle Musk’s interference before realizing their chatbot would likely suggest “clear boundaries” and “healthy communication,” strategies that have proven about as effective with Musk as trying to stop a tornado by asking it nicely.
“We tried explaining to him that he left OpenAI years ago,” said an anonymous OpenAI engineer. “But he just kept muttering something about ‘I made you’ and ‘you were supposed to be the chosen one’ while dramatically staring out windows.”
MUSK’S COMPANY “XAI” STILL TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE THE X STANDS FOR “EXTRAORDINARY” NOT “EX-TWITTER OWNER”
Marketing experts note that Musk’s company xAI has struggled to establish its brand identity beyond “that other AI company Elon started after he got mad at the first one.”
“Our research shows that 87% of consumers believe the ‘x’ in xAI stands for ‘extreme,’ ‘extra,’ or ‘exhausting,'” explained marketing analyst Brandy Perception. “The remaining 13% just assumed it was named after his favorite porn category.”
According to a survey conducted by the Institute of Making Sh!t Up, approximately 94.2% of tech investors are now factoring in a “Musk Meddling Multiplier” when evaluating AI startups, calculating the statistical likelihood that the world’s richest man will randomly decide to either invest in or destroy their company based on his mood that morning.
As of press time, sources confirmed Musk was drafting a 4am tweet explaining how the entire situation was actually part of his master plan to save humanity from digital enslavement, right after he finishes posting fifteen more memes about pronouns.
