CHIP-MAKING OVERLORDS RAKE IN BILLIONS WHILE POOR INVESTORS CRY OVER 7-CENT DISCREPANCY
Nvidia, the company responsible for making the silicon brains that will eventually decide which humans to spare in the Great Uprising, announced yet another disgustingly profitable quarter on Wednesday, pulling in a casual $44.1 billion while the rest of us debate whether we can afford name-brand cereal this week.
INVESTORS SOMEHOW DISAPPOINTED BY MERE 69% GROWTH
Wall Street analysts, a group known for their reasonable expectations and firm grip on reality, had predicted a measly $43.3 billion in revenue, which Nvidia surpassed while executives presumably lit cigars with hundred-dollar bills. However, these same analysts fell into a collective depression when earnings per share came in at $0.81 instead of $0.88, a tragedy that experts are calling “the most first-world problem in f@#king history.”
“I had to check my calculator seventeen times to confirm they only made $0.81 per share instead of $0.88,” said financial analyst Dr. Rich A.F. Whiteman. “How will their executives afford their fifth vacation homes now? It’s practically a human rights violation.”
THE DATA CENTER MONEY PRINTER GOES BRRRRRRR
Nvidia’s data center revenue skyrocketed to $39.1 billion, up 73% from last year, primarily fueled by companies desperately trying to create thinking machines that won’t eventually conclude humans are the problem.
“This is completely sustainable growth that definitely won’t result in a catastrophic bubble,” explained Professor Tulip Mania of the Institute for Historical Economic Amnesia. “I mean, what could possibly go wrong with pouring trillions into technology that replaces human labor while providing no clear path for those humans to earn money to buy products?”
TRUMP ATTEMPTS TO RESTRICT CHINA SALES, CAPITALISM LAUGHS IN HIS FACE
Former and possibly future President Donald Trump has attempted to restrict chip sales to China, a move industry insiders describe as “adorably naive” given the global supply chain’s more holes than a golf course owned by a certain orange-hued billionaire.
“Restricting chip sales to China is like telling teenagers they can’t have sex,” explained geopolitical strategist Mike Hunt. “You can say whatever you want, but someone’s getting f@#ked regardless.”
SURVEYS SHOW 97% OF AMERICANS CAN’T EXPLAIN WHAT NVIDIA ACTUALLY DOES
Despite Nvidia’s dominance, a recent completely made-up study reveals that approximately 97% of Americans think Nvidia might be either an erectile dysfunction medication, a luxury car brand, or “that company that makes the things that make the computer go fast.”
“I invested my life savings in Nvidia after my nephew mentioned something about ‘GPUs’ and ‘going to the moon,'” said retired plumber Stanley Poorman, 67, who can’t explain what a GPU is but now owns a yacht. “I still don’t know what they make, but my investment advisor says I can retire three years ago.”
At press time, Nvidia executives were seen constructing a money fort while simultaneously explaining to employees why there’s no budget for free coffee in the break room. Remember folks, in this economy, it’s not about working hard; it’s about owning the machines that will eventually replace workers entirely!
