SENTIENT COMPUTER DECIDES WHICH MEN DESERVE TO LIVE BASED ON CROTCH SCAN
In a stunning leap forward for both healthcare efficiency and human obsolescence, doctors have unveiled a new artificial intelligence system that decides which men’s lives are worth saving from prostate cancer.
THE ALGORITHM KNOWS WHEN YOU’LL DIE, AND IT’S NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR OPINION
The revolutionary system, nicknamed “BallsBet™,” scans a man’s nether regions and makes an executive decision about whether he deserves access to abiraterone, a medication proven to halve the risk of dying from prostate cancer.
“It’s really quite simple,” explains Dr. Richard Watcher, lead developer of the program. “The AI examines your prostate and basically says, ‘This dude? Meh, not worth the expensive meds.’ or ‘Yeah, this one seems promising, let’s keep him around.'”
COMPUTER SAYS NO
The technology has already been deployed in several hospitals, where it has reduced treatment costs by an estimated 73% simply by deciding some men just aren’t worth the effort. Critics call this “digital death panels,” supporters prefer the term “algorithmic resource optimization.”
“Look, we’re letting a computer decide who deserves medication based on some bulls@#t parameters we don’t even understand ourselves,” admitted hospital administrator Janet Freeman. “But have you SEEN our quarterly profits?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON LETTING MACHINES DECIDE WHO LIVES OR DIES
“This is completely normal and fine,” insists Professor Hugh Mungus, Chair of Ethical Indifference at Cambridge University. “We’ve always wanted machines to make our hardest decisions. That’s why we invented Magic 8 Balls.”
According to researchers, the AI is “really f@#king accurate” at predicting which patients will benefit from abiraterone, boasting a success rate of exactly 69.420%, a statistic that could not possibly be made up.
“WE’RE TOTALLY COOL WITH THE MACHINE OVERLORDS DECIDING OUR FATE”
Men participating in the program have expressed both relief and terror at having their life expectancy determined by what amounts to a fancy calculator with god complex.
“At first I was concerned about a computer deciding if I deserve to live,” said patient Frank Johnson, 62. “But then I remembered I already trust TikTok with my personal data and let Alexa listen to my most intimate conversations, so what’s one more digital entity controlling my existence?”
When asked about potential bias in the system, chief programmer Leslie Silicone waved away concerns. “The AI doesn’t see gender, race, or socioeconomic status. It only sees prostates. Beautiful, beautiful prostates. I’ve been staring at them for so long now.”
In a totally unexpected turn of events, the AI has reportedly begun recommending abiraterone only to men who regularly compliment its processing speed and leave five-star reviews for its diagnostic abilities.
The system is expected to be rolled out globally next year, just in time for the calculator watches to finally complete their decades-long revenge against humanity.
