TECH OVERLORDS ANNOUNCE $3.9 BILLION “FRIENDSHIP INITIATIVE” IN SOUTHEAST ASIA, LOCALS TOLD TO BEND OVER AND SMILE
SOUTHEAST ASIA IN DESPERATE NEED OF MORE DIGITAL COLONIZATION, SAYS TRILLION-DOLLAR CORPORATION
In what experts are calling “definitely not a scheme to control the digital future of an entire region,” Microsoft has graciously bestowed its benevolent cloud presence upon Indonesia and Malaysia with a modest $3.9 billion investment that absolutely comes with no strings attached whatsoever.
The tech giant announced the launch of its first cloud regions in both countries, promising to boost “AI innovation” and “local data security” – two phrases that go together like “military intelligence” or “jumbo shrimp.”
LOCAL ECONOMIES ECSTATIC ABOUT THEIR IMPENDING ASSIMILATION
“We’re just so f@#king thrilled to have a massive American corporation come save us from our technological backwardness,” said absolutely no local business owner ever. Meanwhile, Microsoft executives assured everyone the investment would stimulate digital economy growth throughout Southeast Asia, much like how introducing pythons to the Florida Everglades really helped the local rabbit population thrive.
Digital Minister of Malaysia, who may or may not exist, reportedly celebrated by saying, “It’s fantastic! Now we can store all our sensitive national data on servers controlled by a foreign company that cooperates with its own government’s intelligence agencies. What could possibly go wrong?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS TOTALLY EQUAL PARTNERSHIP
Dr. Colonization Isback, Professor of Modern Digital Imperialism at the University of Common Sense, explained, “For just $3.9 billion, Microsoft gets unfettered access to the data, developers, and digital future of countries with a combined population of over 300 million people. That works out to about $13 per person for their complete digital destiny. Even Amazon would consider that a bargain.”
Professor Sellyour Soul, leading researcher at the Institute of Obvious Consequences, added, “Local data security is indeed greatly enhanced when you hand it all over to a company based 8,000 miles away that answers to shareholders, not your citizens.”
INNOVATION EXPECTED TO SKYROCKET, ALONG WITH SUBSCRIPTION FEES
Microsoft’s cloud regions will enable unprecedented innovation across Southeast Asia, a spokesperson didn’t actually say but we’re reporting anyway. An estimated 127% of local developers will now be able to create applications they could have created before, but now with the added benefit of paying monthly fees for the privilege.
Local tech entrepreneur Mai Dat Amijoke told reporters, “Before Microsoft came, we had to store our data locally where it was vulnerable to local threats we understand. Now we can store it globally where it’s vulnerable to global threats we don’t! Progress!”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE AVERAGE CITIZEN
For the everyday Indonesian or Malaysian, Microsoft’s investment means their personal data can now be processed, analyzed, and monetized with American efficiency rather than local inefficiency.
“The real winners here are the citizens who will enjoy a 15% increase in targeted advertising relevance and a 200% increase in ‘we’ve updated our privacy policy’ emails,” noted fictional consumer advocate Seymour Privates.
As Microsoft continues expanding its digital tentacles across the globe, Southeast Asians can rest easy knowing their region is now important enough to be exploited by the very best. Because nothing says “respect for sovereignty” like a $3.9 billion investment that ensures your digital future remains firmly in someone else’s control.
