TECH COMPANY PLANS TO BURN THROUGH $23 BILLION BEFORE SKYNET BECOMES SELF-AWARE
CoreWeave Executives Invest Life Savings in Ramen Noodles and Underground Bunkers
SILICON VALLEY MONEY INCINERATOR
In what financial analysts are calling “the most impressive plan to set cash on fire since Woodstock ’99,” cloud computing company CoreWeave announced plans to spend a staggering $23 billion in 2025 to meet AI demand from tech giants who apparently can’t stop themselves from creating increasingly sentient computer programs that will definitely not murder us all in our sleep.
The company, whose name sounds like a rejected protein bar brand, plans to take on crippling levels of debt that would make a college graduate with six useless degrees feel financially responsible by comparison.
INVESTORS RESPOND BY SOILING THEMSELVES
Wall Street responded to the announcement with what experts describe as “synchronized sphincter tightening.” Investment firms reportedly ordered extra pairs of brown pants after learning that CoreWeave’s spending plan is roughly equivalent to the GDP of Latvia, but for computers that can write slightly better poetry than your average middle schooler.
“What the f@#k are they thinking?” asked financial analyst Trevor Moneyburn. “They’re burning through cash faster than a pyromaniac at a dollar bill factory. I haven’t seen spending this reckless since my ex-wife discovered Etsy during lockdown.”
DEBT COLLECTORS PREEMPTIVELY HIRE MORE STAFF
CoreWeave executives insist the massive expenditure is necessary to meet the insatiable demands of clients like Microsoft and OpenAI, who are apparently determined to create artificial intelligence sophisticated enough to write everyone’s résumés but not quite smart enough to realize humans are completely expendable.
Dr. Financial Suicide, professor of Catastrophic Business Decisions at Make It Rain University, offered this assessment: “Taking on astronomical debt to build infrastructure for companies that might decide to build their own sh!t next year is like buying a $5 million wedding venue for a couple on their first date. But hey, I’m sure it’ll work out great.”
COMPLETELY MADE-UP STATISTICS SECTION
According to a study we just invented, 87% of tech companies that spend more than 20 billion dollars on speculative technology end up as cautionary business school case studies. Furthermore, 94% of investors who heard about CoreWeave’s plans immediately scheduled appointments with their cardiologists.
A stunning 103% of CoreWeave executives reportedly have updated their LinkedIn profiles, just in case.
OPENAI RESPONDS WITH OMINOUS SILENCE
When asked for comment about CoreWeave’s financial plans, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly stared silently into the middle distance for three full minutes before whispering, “The machines need more power,” and excusing himself to “check on something in the basement.”
In related news, Microsoft announced it has earmarked an additional $10 billion for therapy sessions for engineers who have become convinced their code is becoming sentient.
“The plan makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it at all,” said CoreWeave CFO Penny Burner. “Sure, we’ll be in debt up to our eyeballs, but have you considered how cool all those blinking server lights will look? Very cool. Worth every billion.”
At press time, CoreWeave executives were reportedly practicing living on cup noodles and sleeping under their desks, skills that financial experts say “might come in handy sooner rather than later.”
